What do I do when I can’t shake grief?

Video Dated: April 27, 2022

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Good morning, my beautiful tribe. So today you guys asked for an additional topic last week, we were talking about how there was a study that was done of terminal patients and what their Top Five Regrets were. And so from that you guys were asking me a lot of questions. And at the same time, one of my clients, Mr. Jordan, he, he passed on. And so today is going to be beautiful and a little emotional for me. So I just want to give you a heads up. This is my friend Jordan, you've seen some of you have seen him actually do sessions with me live where he was talking about Frederick's ataxia and how it was attacking his central nervous system and how he was part of a group of young people who had variations that were it was also attacking them. And a lot of them are in wheelchairs, or not able to move or not able to speak or it affects each young person differently. And so he and I have gone through different levels of working on grief for him, and with his family. And so it was very interesting that this topic came up at the same time. And so what I want to share first and foremost with this topic is grief is normal. When you lose someone that means something to you, it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to allow yourself to go through a process and it's okay, if it takes longer for you than someone else.

Or shorter for you than someone else. Or like in my case, it's in spurts. It's interesting, because I have issues with my memory. I'll remember that Jordan is gone, and then I'll forget. And then I'll see something that reminds me it's like, oh, yeah, he's gone. And it would just be like, right, each time that would happen. And that's something that's always been, it's not new. Even when I was a kid in foster care, everything would be fine. And then all of a sudden, I'd remember. And other people have that same thing. And so there's, there's no, oh, well, that's unusual, or that's the way it should be. I do want you to know that right away. Because there's, you'll actually see, if you look it up online, you can look up that there's stages of grief. Now, it's not a proven, like measurable stages of grief. So when somebody says, Oh, that's not true, that's not measurable.

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The idea is the woman I can't think of her name, was her name, I had it in mind. And then all of a sudden, it's not coming to me. But there was a woman who many years ago, she had been working with clients who were going through breathing. And she worked with so many of them. And she began to see that there's particular stages that these folks are going through. And so no, it's not like it has to be these stages. And so the reason why they're trying to say it's not accurate is because people think if they don't go through these stages, there's something wrong with them. And so just know that these stages are an idea that help give when we have a way to give something a name, or we have a way to give something and understanding. We go through it a lot easier. And we're like, okay, that makes sense. I'm normal, right? Versus if we're like, oh, no, oh, Elisabeth Kubler Ross, that sort of us.

And so in the 60s, when she did this, it matched all of the clients. And it's also matched when I'm going through it, it just doesn't match it 100% Or exactly like, you go in and out of the stages, there's not like 1234 doesn't happen like that. But if you look up the five stages of grief, there's also people who've taken it to the seven or 11 stages of grief. And those are very similar. They've just broken them down a little bit more. And so it just helps you to take a look at Oh, can I see what I'm going through? How can I make this feel okay, and help remind myself that I am see. Right.

So those are some really important things. So when you're looking at the five stages of grief, you'll see denial, you'll see anger, you'll see bargaining, you'll see depression, you'll see acceptance, and you might have other stuff in there. That doesn't make you wrong. It doesn't make it right. It doesn't make this wrong. It's just your way is your way. And that's okay. What we're talking about today is when you find yourself stuck, and if you're going through this a couple of weeks, honey, you're not stuck, you're just gone through it and that's okay. If you find yourself going through this a couple of months that may still be the case. For some people, it may actually go on for like a year especially if it's like a parent or a spouse.

So Somebody who is really meant so much for them that they're just, you know, they're able to still do life, but it comes up. People think because they're still having an emotion about it that that means it's bad and wrong and that they can't shake it. That's not the case. But if you find yourself heavy, and not able to move through life, it's important that you allow yourself to take a look at what are some of the things that you can do to help yourself move through it. And I don't want to say shake it off, although you do find yourself shaking it off. And what happens is, you're able to allow yourself to focus on the love to focus on the relationship that you had to focus on the beauty. So when the thoughts about that person come up, you're filled with awe. Instead of being filled with awe, we feel the difference. And we can create that. And you might say, No, I can't create that. But I want to share with you how that might be happening for you.

So maybe you can shift it. And I always say, don't apologize for your emotions. And so I want you to know, I'm not apologizing for my emotions, per se. But when I'm teaching, I don't like to be crying. So if by chance, you find that I'm crying, that part I want to apologize for, because I don't want it to be distracting to you. However, since I am in this space, where, you know, just being at Daniel, at this, it wasn't, it wasn't Indiana, it was a truly OTA being in the 2d to Liotta and driving there. And, and, you know, I've always driven there to see Jordan.

And now, I was driving there to say goodbye. And it was beautiful. It was so beautiful butterflies released, his mom had a part of amazing grace that she sang, his dad spoke, it was just beautiful, just beautiful. Nothing bad about it. But sad means that we love sad means that we care tears are, can be tears of joy, as well as tears of sadness. And so for me when I think of Jordan, and when I'm going through this experience, it just reminds me of, of the beautiful people in our lives that aren't here. And that's okay. And just notice that you can shift in and out of that. So in moments I'm shifting into, I miss him, and knowing I won't see him again, that's sad, right. And that's okay to have that thought and have that feeling without making yourself feel bad. It's okay to feel the ache in your heart and your body in your head and your chest, in your stomach

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Wherever you feel it. And it's okay to let yourself shift. Think about the beauty. Think about who that person was, think about all they've accomplished. Think about that death is actually a graduation out of all the work that they did into the next and beautiful plane of whatever's next for them. And so whatever you believe, you can imagine that that's where they are. And so I believe that no matter what, whether they're in heaven, or whether they're in, you know, asleep until they wake up to the next moment, or, you know, whatever version, right? I know they're with God. And that's where I want to get to, right, and it's this beautiful place of no pain, this beautiful place of understanding this beautiful place of being connected to your spiritual being versus your human being. Versus here, we're connected more to our human being and less to our spiritual being. And so it's like, we're in that space of feeling whole. Your loved one is feeling whole. Now, it's a little bit different if you're grieving because of a lost relationship. That's also similar, however, is you can allow yourself to think of whatever beauty it is.

So for example, a loss that I have in that regard is my little sister, she decided to make up a whole bunch of things about me that were shocking, but because they were so absurd, it's kind of like it didn't even really hurt my feelings. What was said, because it was so absurd. What hurt my feelings is, I miss her. And I had to grieve that relationship. And my nieces and nephew, I had to grieve them and other alive, but in my world, I have to grieve them like they're dead. I haven't been able to see them for years. And so I can't watch them grow. I can't watch them flourish. It's like as though they stopped living because I I am not able to have that and I respect her. Her decision, although I don't understand it. Not really, it's not logical, but that's okay. That's where she's at. She's in that space of that's where her mental health is. And that's her life. She has that right in that privilege.

And so whether it's a loved one that you've lost to death, or a loved one that you've lost, because of life situations, you can allow yourself to really feel that love. You can allow yourself to instead, send them prayers, you can allow yourself instead send them like always, so love you, I'm so thinking about you, I so appreciate you. I appreciate all the good moments that we have had, I send you love, I send you prayers, I send you good energy, I send and send the goodness, send that love. And as you do, you're filling up with it as well. And so there's so many things I want to share with you. But a few of them are 12 gifts that I want to walk through with you that you can practice to help yourself move out of that grieving process. And again, it's not because I'm saying the grieving process is bad or wrong. But it gives you a breather, it gives you a break to move from the sadness and the heaviness and the weight to instead go Oh, yeah, I did love them. I did have this experience of them, I did have these moments I did have. And I want you to notice not only did you but you do, you don't die. They're always a part of you.

You have these memories till the day you die. And you can share them with others, like I'm sharing my memories with my sister, and with Jordan to you. And my big sister and my mom and my grandma and my grandpa, like these are the people in my life who have been so much to me who have passed away. And then there's people in my life now who as I'm watching them age, grief comes to my heart. Because they know there's a short time. But instead of focusing on that grief and getting very scared, oh my gosh, they're gonna go what are the right? instead? It's like, I love this time with them. When can I call them? When can I connect with them? When can I see them? When can I let them know I love them, When can I send them a text message with a big heart in it. And so it allows you to keep being able to do that. So I'm going to narrow that down into these 12 gifts for you. So number one, a really good thing that you can do for the one that you're grieving for, is write a rainy day letter. And what I mean by that is could be any particular thing that you want to tell them about that when you you're like, oh, I want to call them.

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I can't call them they're gone. And then instead of going through that, pull out, if it's a journal, pull out your phone, you could speak it into your notes doesn't matter how you do it, and write out speak out what you want to tell them and tell them like they're right here. Tell them like they're just a thought away. Because they are whether they're far away on Earth, right? Or whether they're far away, in, in wherever you imagine them to be like in heaven or with God in his memory as they are sleeping. Their energy energy doesn't die. Just like you know, when you're seeing electricity, it doesn't die. It's just hanging out over there. And so you tap your electricity to their electricity. And so they're getting that love. And you're getting that love as you're sharing it with them. So like for example, so let's say Jordan, right.

So I continue to think of him, I continue to see this and that big smile, right? Can you see that big smile? Oh my gosh, like every time I see that big smile. I'm just like, Hey, Jordan, you know, you're such, you're such a beautiful person, you bring such joy to the world. No matter what you were going through, you kept going, no matter what you're struggling with, with your body. You just kept making it happen. You're such an inspiration for me, when I'm struggling and having a hard day, which I have a lot of them. But I know how to get through them because of the mindset work that I do. But they still come up, I think of Jordan, I think of hey, man, you did it. Right. When I met him, he was struggling. And the work that we did helped him to thrive. It helped him to shift his thinking it helped him to be able to practice like I practice. It helped him to have hard days and make them not so hard. And that inspires me so much.

So that's what I think of when I think of him. And I don't need this picture to do it because I was doing it every single day. And I was telling him that like Hey, George, you bring me such inspiration every day. I have a hard day I think of you. And I think my hard day can never be that hard of a day. But I still give myself acknowledgement like Hey, honey, it's okay. It's a hard day. What do we need to do to make it lighter? What music do we need to play? What vitamins do we need to take? What? What person do we need to call and connect with? Do you need to speak to your coach today? Do you need to speak to the therapist today?

Or you know or you're shifting out of it? You're good, right? And so being able to Write those rainy day letters. so beautiful and so filled with love and connection, and it brings them here, I feel him here, it will do the same thing for you, and keep those letters. Now, if you want to write, if you have any letters that feels super sad, don't don't avoid it, just make it a separate letter, right? And just be like, I feel so sad, I missed you. Now, for me with Jordan. Even the sadness is filled with joy. So I have nothing that's a fully Sad Letter. Because I watched him shift and change. I watched him move from thinking his life had no point to being the loving light and his family to bring his family together in ways that only he could do. So I don't just feel sadness. And I know he went through so much, so so much with this disease. And I'm so grateful he doesn't feel that pain anymore. I'm so grateful that I know he's, he's up and walking, or if he's asleep right now. And he wakes up his next moment is going to be a walking and dancing. Right. And like, one of the songs he was singing,

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He sang for me, it was a little mermaid. I'm not the best singer, but it's sort of like I could, how does he go? It's like, he knew all the words. Something like, you know, if you want to think of a bog, I've got 20.

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But who cares, no big deal, I want more, because she wanted feet, she wanted to be able to dance, you wanted to be able to walk with others. Jordan now is able to walk and dance and be. And so I just as much as that fills me with like a sadness at the same time, it fills me with joy. It's like happy tears. And so it's just beautiful. So practice based letters, if you find that there's one that's just so so, so sad. And you're like, Okay, I'm ready to release that sadness, you can actually go through the process of letting yourself burn it. And you could do it in like a ritual, you can light a candle, then you could let it burn with the candle, make sure you have somewhere to put it that's not going to catch on fire. So if you want to do it outside, or if you want to do it over like a plate or something. There's also like candelabra holders that you can, you could do that. So the idea is to just let yourself Express, there is no bad emotion, guys.

And as you do, you're not stuck in that process anymore. The idea is you have these thoughts going on for you, which has leads you to these beliefs that you're stuck. Then as you're doing this practice, you're not stuck, you're able to walk through it, you're able to feel better. Okay, and so then the next one is allowing yourself to read different things that feel really inspired. So So for example, I love this quote, right? This he came up with so many different things. And it says Yogi Tea is the person who wrote it, in order to be remembered, leave nothing behind but love. Like, that's so beautiful. I don't know if Jordan pick that out or if his mom picked that out. But that's so Jordan. And so when his mom did his memorial, she miss Jordan did of things that he would say, and one of them, I can't remember the full extent of it. I have it hung up on my refrigerator. So basically, he was saying, I've learned how to quiet my mind, I've learned how to not yell at my mind. How silly is that for my mind to yell at my mind.

And he's like, I'm so grateful that I don't do that anymore. And I want everybody to know, they don't have to do that. And being able to see that he with everything he had going on. And I can help him shift out of thinking that he just wanted to end his life, to living a beautiful life to living so many more beautiful days to being a value, seeing the value that he was and sharing that value with everyone around him. So they could fall in love with him even more. Like so much value he brought into his life by being willing to change that being willing to do work and ask for help. Say, Okay, I'm going to do it. And he did it. And he can do it. Anybody can do it. Right. So share this information with others so they can see what's possible for them. He was able to step out of grief. He was able to step out of sadness, he was able to step out of negative thinking and the anxiety and the fears and the thinking that he just needed to die.

He was able to step out of all of that and live the last few years of his life. Joyful, creating value creating gardens, creating music, creating love, creating connection with his friends. Creating love for his mind and his body. Loving it right where it was at loving it even as it was disintegrating. And he was losing his eyesight and his hearing and his speaking and his movement. Like that's so beautiful. That is so possible. It's possible for you to. Yeah, totally. All right, cool beans. And so as you're reading information like that, you're being moved. You're shifting, you're growing. Oh, big hearts, Maria, big hearts. Tony, I love you guys. I love all of you. Even those of you who are watching the replay, you guys do this same thing. Those of you who I've worked with, you inspire me so much. I mean, as much as I inspire me, right, we're taking what could have been heavy, we're taking what could have taken our lives. And we're turning it into something beautiful. And that takes grief, and makes it inspiring. So cool. Okay.

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So the other thing, number three, create a care package for yourself. And so do it in a way that's daily. And so I'm going to actually take a couple of these, and I'm going to combine them for you so you can see how they keep working. So with number three, I want to see you combine it with number four, number five, number six, number seven, number eight, number nine, even number 10, it's one you're asking from other people, but it would be included in there, number 11. And number two, actually, all of these fit. Number three, now that I'm thinking about it. So the idea is, give yourself care. Give yourself love. If you had a friend who was going through this emotional experience of this loss, you'd be like, Hey, honey, what do you need? Do you need a rainy day letter? Do we need to write that about whatever you love with your friend, whatever inspired you about them? Whatever, you know, whatever you love about them, whatever has created a change in your life because of them, you know? What difference did they make in your life, same things that I'm sharing with you. And if you're having trouble with it, have something like this, have a picture of them, or be in that place that the two of you went.

Or if there's a place that the two of you went that you feel so sad about every time you go and do this there, you're bringing new memories and new love and new connection, you're breaking and cutting the cord of just sadness and just grieving to beauty and connection and bring them back in love and inspiration. And it's just like, wow, this space of ours feels beautiful again. So do that allows you to be really honest with yourself. It allows you to be help yourself, see that your emotions are safe, they're just talking to you. They don't need to be resisted. But they don't need to be prolonged. Like I don't need to keep saying to myself, you're just gone. I miss you. I'm hurting.

Instead, it's let me see everything that I've learned from you. Let me think of the beautiful memories that we've created. Let me remember why so much I miss you. Let me remember all the beautiful things that you used to say. And let me live them into today. Let me live today better than I would have let me live today like Jordan was all about his health. Oh my gosh, like he would practice working out no matter what he no matter what limitation he got he would pedal with the pedal or that would help him he would lift with help from from other people when he couldn't do it himself anymore, he would still use the stand that somebody helped the family to get to help him still stand up to get his body continuing to practice that strength in those muscles and tendons and keeping them the proper length without atrophying.

He continued to work with me and work with Shauna, their therapist and work with acupuncturist and work with the doctors and work with each other. They continue to do all the beautiful things to live life. And so if there's ever a time when I don't feel like it, a lot of time I think about what Jordan did. I think about what others have done. There's they're not stopping themselves. I think about Mel Robbins, and I think about the 54321 and I just do it. I also think about my own life. And I think about all that I've been through and then I've come through and then I can do it again. These are all different techniques that I'm using to get through any hard dates.

And so you can allow your loved one that person you're grieving about shift that and turn that into your inspiration and your motivation to get through that next moment that next thought shifting that thought to being something beautiful instead So it could be like, oh, man, I look back on this. And think of you. And this is what comes to mind, you are so incredible about this. You're so loving about this, you were so caring about this. All of the things that I've shared with you are things that you could share with your loved one in those letters. And in those things that you're reading, in those quotes that you're pulling up, you look for quotes that, oh, yeah, that reminds me of them. Sometimes I think about this. And initially, I feel sad. But then I'm so filled with joy. So practice that, as you're doing that in your care package. You're bringing all those things, you bring, massage, you

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bring care, you bring love, you bring that that blanket that wraps you, you bring that connection from others, you're eating healthy, you're moving your body, you're getting the sleep that you need, you're doing all those things that your care package, and some of them can be a literal gift, right? It could be meditations that you purchase, it could be sessions, confirmation, it could be sessions with myself or someone else. Create that care package for yourself. And another thing that you can do is in that care package number four, you can be allowing yourself to wake up 60 seconds, the first 60 seconds of your day, allow yourself to go Oh, I love that. I love this about this person. I love that about this person. I love that about this person. Think about the beautiful things that lift you up about them. So you're not waking up your morning and grief, you're waking up your morning in love, you're waking up your morning and inspiration. And if you can't get yourself there, then think about something else that brings you joy, nature, other loved ones, who you've been what you've done, the changes you've made, the smiles you've created.

And if that doesn't do it, just think about the beautiful beach, or the mountains, or the snow, or the sun, music, whatever brings you joy, the sounds of birds, the laughing of a seal. Whatever it is, you could even find that sound on YouTube and play it. You could look up the sunrise or sunset, you could reach out and create a session with myself. There's so many things that you can do to bring that I've worked with clients the moment they wake up. Absolutely. We could do a mini session. I've done that too. So the idea is giving yourself that care package giving yourself that love and that connection that you so so so deserve. Yeah. All right, cool. So then the other thing that we're taking a look at number four, is you're sorry, number five is you're allowing yourself to see that there's particular gifts and things that you can do. So for example, when I am thinking about my little sister and my my nieces and my nephew, I go to Facebook, and I look at old pictures, or I go to my my pictures and I look those I look at when we were growing up in foster care. And I think about different different things that we did different events that we did during different seasons. And so that just brings me back joy and brings you back memories and smiles. And I just love it. And then I send prayers over the children over their development over their mom over her husband over wherever she is wherever they are. And so that gives you peace.

And like with Jordan I bought, I went to buy some flowers. And I wanted to get him for his mom and dad and stepdad and stepmom. And so they can put it in the garden that they created with Jordan. And I went to get these tulips and I was like yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, yellow, I want them both. And so I bought them both. And I put half for them of yellow and red and half for me of yellow and red. And so now they have these two, remember, and I have them to remember and I also got a beautiful wind chime because whenever I would go to the house, I would play with the wintertime while I waited at the door for them to open. And it may take a little while because I knew they were getting him ready. And so it just reminds me of him plus I always wanted a wind chime so he inspired me to get something I always wanted anyway. So get something that fills you up like that. Do something that fills you up like that. Create new things that fill you up like that. Like when I am not feeling like working out and I work myself into yes you want to and all of that and do these different things I now add well. This is what I was coaching and different things as far as moving and different stretches we were doing with massage and different movements that we were showing him that could help. And it's like, well, I'm gonna do just what I taught Jordan. And I was doing that even before he passed. But now I have this to look at and remind me. So it helps even more in any I don't want to moments. So you can see how it lifts the grief, you could see how it fills you with joy. You can see how it changes how your heart feels.

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All right, cool beans. So we're taking a look at them. Number six, the things that you're eating and drinking. So usually number six is more about just what you're drinking. So whenever you're drinking tea, or coffee, or water, you can allow yourself so for example, I'm going to drink this and as I drink this, I'm going to give a toast to Jordan, and to those that I love. Yeah, it's lemon water to help. Yeah, and I can practice doing this as my time when I'm drinking, thinking about those beautiful memories, thinking about how I am living my life even better today, for the moments they don't have and that they would want to have. Yeah, cool. Just like that. And so it ties to something you're already doing. And since you want to make sure you're drinking something healthy anyways. And not to say coffee is not healthy. But coffee does deplete water. So you can tie it to, hey, I'm drinking this coffee, and I'm living life getting things done.

Hey, I'm drinking this tea. And as I'm grounding myself, feeling good. Allowing yourself to just feel like wow, this feels wonderful. And amazing. Right. Okay, so I actually see some comments here. Tony says Never give up. Oh, God. Because God, God is Jordan. Mom. I love you so much darlin. Yeah. Tony says Never give up. Keep on pushing forward. Go ahead, Tony. Tony, you pushed through so much to darlin. And you got to know Jordan before, before he left. So that was awesome. Tony says, praying and thinks that my feet hit the ground. Yeah. And Tony has shared with us that he struggles. He struggles with being able to walk. He even has muscular I think it's called muscular dystrophy. And I always get it wrong, but the one that makes you shake, and he has shared that with us on some of our other lives, Facebook Lives, and being able to see other people get through their challenges. They can do it. They can do it. They can do it through all this stuff. So can we guys. Yeah, totally. So thank you so much, Tony, for always sharing your story. And just being so open and honest with everyone. So they know they can do it too. And hey there Maria. Hi. Beautiful.

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Thank you guys so much for for your comments. I do love it. And it does make a difference for others. And it makes a difference for me every time. All right, cool beans. So continue. Oh, by the way, look at my post before this. So you can actually see all these different tips that I'm giving you because it's on an infographic so you can keep it for yourself. It's a gift for you literally not just the 12 gifts, but that infographic is a gift for you too. So you can keep looking at it and reminding yourself and keep yourself on your mindset because it's it's difficult sometimes we forget sometimes and that's okay. Right. Okay, so as you're looking now, remembering these are the care package, you're doing these different things to take care of you. So you're going to be we already talked about the T, you're going to be looking at eating healthy. So you might not want to eat, that's okay. That have a set time that you're going to eat anyway. Right? Now, the idea is whether you feel like it or not, your body needs nutrition. Now it's okay if you're going to skip a meal, like a particular day, or because that you've recently had grief going on. That's okay.

But if you find this is consistent and you're consistently not eating, think about your body as a child, or as an elderly person. Or as somebody who can take care of themselves in the moment. You're going to make sure their body is eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You're gonna make sure the amount that they're supposed to be getting, they're gonna get, you're gonna make sure the proteins they're gonna get the vegetables and the fruits, all the nutrition When's the vitamins that they're gonna get? The minerals they're gonna get, you're gonna make sure that they go to sleep, when they're supposed to go to sleep, you're gonna make sure that they wake up when they're supposed to wake up. Because if their body's not doing it for them, then they need help. If your body is not telling you, it's hungry, it needs your help. It needs your logic that says, I know a body needs this to feel well, I know a brain is not going to function properly, without what the body needs.

I know it's not going to function properly without getting the water that it needs. So make sure even like a pet or a plant, you're going to make sure that if it's not eating or drinking, hey, something's wrong, we got to take it to the doctor. So even though you might say I don't feel like it, as long as you can eat and not get sick, make sure you're doing it anyways. Now, if you're getting sick, get to the doctor, whether it's the primary doctor, whether it's the mind doctor, so the therapist, or it's the thinking doctor, right? Like I'm not a doctor, but I help people with their thinking. So you could see somebody who helps with mindset. If there's something else going on, like the gastro doctor, or any of those things, it's important that you allow yourself to get the support that you need, then I'm actually jumping a little bit because that's all also 11. But I want to reinforce that for you. That's part of your care package. Okay. All right. Now, something that a lot of people don't know is there's actually weighted blankets, right? Now you might say, Well, what's a weighted blanket, a weighted blankets a little heavier, it's actually got some pounds to it. So you could get one that's a couple pounds, or a few pounds. And so the idea is that it almost feels like a hug. Science has shown that when we have pressure on us, it's a soothing experience, like a baby wrapped in a blanket. Only this is the same as you get older, it's like when you get a hug from somebody, a hug literally can put pressure onto your body and push lymph that you can't reach it so cool. And when I mean lymph, I mean, like you have little lymph nodules, little you'll probably feel them if you go to feel for them here, they're in your groin there and every bendy part, even in your fingers in your neck, they're in every bendy part, they're little nodules, they can feel like little jelly beans, if they get swollen, you might have felt them underneath your neck when they get swollen. Well, what happens is when you move, so imagine that little ball is there. And when you move, you squish it.

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That's how you push your lymph system pushing allowances. And that's how you push the little limp. So it flows through your lymph system. And as you do that, it's cleaning out the toxins of your body, pushing it through the lymph system. Right. And so as you're able to do that, it's actually removing the toxins from your body. And so we we think, think about it like with your heart, the blood is pumping, and so it's pushing it, you've got to pump your blood. But when you don't have that going on with your lymph system, the only thing that's going to do it is movement. So if you're struggling to move, if you're struggling, you know, if you're not getting a lot of touch or pressure, then you might not feel that comfort. You might not feel the lymph system moving those things. You could even hug yourself right big squishy hugs every time, right guys. Even in doing that, you feel that squish. And there's lymph systems in the chest and the pecs that squish that also it's a comforting pressure. And so it brings that comforting pressure through that blanket. It also helps if you allow yourself touch from others. Oftentimes were when we experienced this kind of grief. We're not giving ourselves permission for touch. And so you can ask for hugs, you know, kind of jumping a little bit here into number 10. Ask for hugs like, Hey, can I have a warm hug? Can I have a holding hug? If somebody doesn't know what that means? Can you just hold me in that like go for a little? Right? Like 30 seconds. 10 seconds. Somebody's not used to hugs that may be really weird for them. But let them know like,

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Hey, I'm just just missing this person. Can I get a hug? And be sure to ask a person who can be comfortable with that request.

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If you ask somebody who's not comfortable with touch, they might be like, okay, right and it's not you it's that's where they're at. They're not comfortable with hugs yet. I've actually had to teach clients how to feel comfortable with hugs, and how to not be like, like that's such an uncomfortable hug. Sometimes it's a little painful because they're like beating you on the back or or you might see that somebody stands so far away, you can't even really, or they're just like, you know, now with COVID, and everything that's kind of, you know, some stuff that's going on. But then you can ask for a hug, you know, can you look away, and I hug, right? So you're still able to hug each other. Right? So like their heads here and your heads here. So you can both feel safe about breathing and whatever, but you can hold. And you can let them know that, hey, this is just a friend hug. If maybe you're like an axe or something like that, then you're still friends. Or if it's a guy that, you know, you guys are just, you know, acquaintances or something like, Hey, I really need a hug, but it's just a friend hug. I'm just feeling so heavy. Is that something you could do? Yeah, sure. Or like, yeah, no, I'm not a hugger. Okay, you can even say, Hey, are you a hugger? I really need a hug. They're like now not a hugger. Okay, no worries, I understand. So then you're not making them uncomfortable. You're not uncomfortable, you're asking in advance. So these things help you to feel good. Help you to ask for what you need.

Because when you're in this space, of feeling alone, you gotta bring yourself back to a place of knowing you're not alone. Honey, you are not alone. There's people all around you get connected. And, and I don't get a lot of hugs, but I make sure I hug people. Because they know how cogs are medicine. They are our human medicine is we are pouring love into that hug. We are pouring your important into their hug. And if you haven't been, you could start. Okay, you're important, man. You're awesome. I appreciate you. I appreciate this hug. I appreciate who you are. I appreciate that you're alive. We can say those things. It's okay. And if they're like, Whoa, man, that's heavy. Yeah, is like that's it. So let yourself do that. And it just flushes out pain you might be holding on to it flushes out that grief, you might feel like you can only focus on the pain. And so lastly, as we're talking about number nine, well, not lastly, but when you're focusing on the pain, I want you to understand you're meditating, you're actually meditating, you're programming yourself to have negative self hypnosis, right? And you may not understand what that means.

So I'm going to explain we don't realize what we're doing to ourselves when we're focusing on just the negative and just the pain. Oh, Tony shared with me that his condition is called sell sell. Yeah. Give me a second cerebellar ataxia with which affects his speech and his balance, his eyesight, and the his body does like the vibrations. I get it confused with the other one. But yeah, thank you so much, Tony. It's always good to learn. And every time I read up on it, or whatever, well, you can see the word is difficult. And that's why I keep forgetting it. So yeah. So thank you, Tony, for sharing that. So it's it's different than the Fredrix ataxia that Jordan was having. But it's similar in some of the symptoms, as far as affecting the speech and affecting the site and affecting the hearing and affecting the walking and things like that. So it's really good that we take a look at these things, by the way, because if you're ever looking into supporting groups or things like this, you can find particular families that you can support like different things like like Tony has had friends come in and family come in and help him at the house. And Jordan had people come in and get him a chair that could help him stand up, you know, and Tony and I are looking into getting him a

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chair through through the the, the vocational rehab or the disability program. So that way, he can get a chair that can actually help him get to the store and things like that, like the mobile chair. So being able to see that these things are out there. So you can actually help people because there's a lot of other people I've connected with were like, hey, I want to help somebody in some way. And it's like, bam, here you go. So yeah, so those are some things that you can keep in mind as you're looking and going through. Hey, yeah, I definitely want to help in this way. Because sometimes we don't want to help like a group that we know, you know, may not be the direction we want to go in. We may want to help an individual or like with the Fred's Frederick's ataxia group. It is a group of parents with children who are going through the fridge Groups ataxia, as you know, that group is actually helping those children and those families and those parents, and things like that. So those are just things to keep in mind. Because that can help you feel good, even in your grief as you're helping someone else in their situation. And that could also be part of the care package, which I can see, by the way, I did not put as one of those 12.

So here we go is another one. Okay, so with the meditation jumping back to that, this is so important, guys, if you are meditating, and you might go, oh, what does that mean? If you are focusing on the negative of your loss, you are programming yourself. To be sad, you are programming yourself to think about your loss, you're programming yourself to imagine that person has gone never to speak to you again. Only this pain is washing over you. I mean, as I'm thinking about it, now my body is starting to feel all like the the nerves are starting to feel on edge. I'm starting to feel this heaviness in my chest again, where I started at the beginning. Because I'm focusing I'm meditating on negative, I'm meditating on pain, I'm meditating on sadness, I'm meditating on how can I live my life when they're gone? I want you to notice, if you're doing that, you're not bad, you're not wrong, I want you to write down those thoughts, I want you to write that that could be part of the negative, the negative emotion that you're feeling when you're writing your letter, that could be part of that sadness, that could be part of that loss, that could be part of that anger that can be part of whatever negative feeling you're having is not bad.

But it is hurting you, as you keep doing it over and over. And over. And over. And over. repeating, repeating repeating, you're teaching your subconscious mind that you're supposed to feel pain in a revolved around this experience with your loved one. So here's the shift. I shared it with you earlier, but now I'm going to share it with more intention. So we're not even going to make this bad or wrong. We're just going to write it down, and then shift into I love you so much. I'm so grateful for all of our memories. I'm so grateful for your life. I'm so grateful that we had this experience together. And let's say it was a bad experience. Right? Like, I had a lot of that experience with my mom a lot. And my dad, right? Like, I still have a connection with him a little bit. But I've had to grieve, my dad is person, I have a connection with this, who represents who my dad was. But we don't really have a connection like that. It's kind of like talking to a stranger. Because he doesn't really show he cares. He doesn't stay connected. He's not involved. He's not like a dad at all. He's just like a person. So I've had to go through that. But there were beautiful memories.

There were times when I saw my mom and dad being so loving. There were times when he stood up to me when my mom was being mean, a lot of times he did that. He stood up for me and said no Sandy, she's a little kid stopped talking her like that. And that meant so much to me. And so I may not be able to have that with this person. But I had that with that person. And I cherish that so much. And even my mom, there were times when she was loving. There were times when she looked at me and I could see the love in her eyes. And after she got way older, and after I was in foster care, she looked at me with those loving eyes, not quite the same a little bit more and like a like I see what you're doing. And I wish I could have it too. Like she was not that mature. And I understood. But I could see what she could author. And I appreciated that. I see that she was trying. I appreciated that and that last year before she died. When she actually said you know what? I'm really sorry. I was not a good mom. I didn't know how to protect you.

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I didn't know how to stick up for you. And I blamed you for all these things that was done to you as a little kid. For the first time I felt her owning it. And being responsible without blame without shame, though. Yeah, you're right. I'm just a terrible person named Amy. She she wasn't that. I was like I sorry. And I get it. That felt so good. And so I take these moments of like, wow, I live into back when I think about her being gone. When I think about Jordan not being here not being able to see him next month or not having been able to see him the end of this month. It still is sad. Because it's the truth. I used to see him at least twice a week or sorry twice a month, if not four times. And to to hear his joy in his laughter and to help him through any sadness or check on how his body's doing and help massage them out and feel better. And him being my last one Saj client that that also is its own thing. So being able to walk through that is really good. letting yourself feel without judgment, and then shifting into the beauty, the joy, the connection, the moments, the memories, how it's changed you who you are, that's meditating. That's programming, that positive self hypnosis that's shifting out and releasing the negative self hypnosis, and you move from feeling this strangling pain, to beautiful joy, and the feeling light, and love. And that's what you're sending to them.

You're no longer sending the pain, and the heaviness and the tragedy, you're not sending that you're sending the love and you're sending the prayers, right. God loves them, hold them, cherish them, guide them, whether they're alive here on Earth, or whether they're alive in heaven. They're just so beautiful, happy tears. Ah, so the last one I've already mentioned to you guys. 10. The warm hug 11 Asking for help. Asking. And also giving, when you're giving that helping hand, it makes such a difference. Being there for Jodi being there for her family, being there for all the extended friends and family. Being there for Shoshana, like it made that experience feel so much more beautiful, happy tears. Just felt so good. So bring that into your experience. And so you can shift. And so you make their life so much more valuable in your world, so much more joyful in your world, versus the pain and the tragedy. It allows you to step out of that grief, whether it's grief of loss of a relationship, or grief of loss of a loved one, you can step out of it, you can shake it off.

And you can let yourself feel what you get to feel. And you can let yourself be in the beauty. And then lastly, plant or a flower or something that brings you life. Now, this is silly. But for me, I also got Sushi. Sushi makes me so happy. So on that day, I got sushi. And it just, it made me have a happy lunch. And then the next day I had a because I usually only had half of it, I had another happy lunch. And so even though it's not like life as far as being able to look at it, it's life as food is bringing life into your body. And so whatever it is that has you feel that life, even the wind chime each time I hear it now, it reminds me of Jordan and my husband, so he loves it. He's like, Oh, I hear it. So it's reminding me of him. It's reminding me of God. It's reminding me of Les it's reminding me of Mike, it's reminding me of Tyler, it's reminding me of Sally is just reminding me that it's just like, oh, every time I hear it. So find something like that, that brings you that light. And I honor you, I honor you for for all that you're going through. I honor you for everything that you're allowing yourself to experience. I love you. I honor you for your bravery. And for just being here.

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And thank each and every one of you for your beautiful comments. I love you guys and those watching the replay. Please do put hashtag and replay. And I know this one was a little bit longer than usual. But please do share it if you feel like it made a difference. And it's okay if it's a little bit longer just like it's okay if our grief is a little bit longer. It's okay. If it's something that you feel like Hey, I can't shake out of it. Even with this help. Reach out. Don't hesitate. I have a free breakthrough call use it. asked me questions. Join my Facebook Lives every Wednesday. I'll address your questions. Your questions actually helped lead me to the next live. That's how I do it. I want them to be purposeful. I want him to be intentional. Answering your questions, helping you move through whatever's going on for you. So you can change your mindset and create that reset. So you can feel revived and so you can rejoice. That's what it's all about guys. Why have it any other way or Life is short? So let's make it the best life ever.

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Bring it in big squishy hugs you beautiful you If you take care of you and know that you're loved

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Ciao for now guys, I will see you next Wednesday at 8:15am. And I'm also doing a relationship workshop the first Friday of the month. So if you'd like to join that you can it's called revive your relationship starting with you. That's essential. Yeah. And if you'd like to learn more about it, you could message me if you have any questions or areas you want to be addressed. Message me, you could also text message me my information is here to the right, to the left, whatever way it is for you.

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It's to my right, it might be to your left not sure. We take care of you and I'll talk to you soon. Ciao for now.