Perfectionism: What are the causes of Perfectionism?

Video Dated: June 10, 2022

00:10
Good morning. Good morning. Happy Wednesday. What is today today is Facebook Live. And I'm always here for you on Wednesday mornings. I'm also here in clubhouse, and I do mindful mindset on Wednesdays as well. So you can also reach me there and before I get into today's topic, which is about perfection, and what are some of the causes of perfectionism, I would like for you to ask me any questions about me or any questions that you have? And some of the questions that I have received is, you know, what's the catch? Why is it that you're doing this?

And the other questions are, you know, how can I work with you and I want to share both of those with you. So first of all, my name is Tammy workman Lopez or coach, Tammy Starr and I come on here every Wednesday, because I dealt with everything that I'm sharing with you, it's probably seen as extreme but almost every single topic that I share with you, I have struggled with in my life. And now at 45, I'm able to culminate all of my experience, all of my training, all of my schooling, all of my spiritual training and bringing it all together to share with you. So you know, you are not alone, you know, tools, and ways to get really clear in your own thinking.

So you can practice these tools and these experiences and change your life the way you want to, without feeling like there's something wrong with you without feeling like you're not good enough, without feeling like you're stuck in perfectionism, and just maybe wearing you out. And you don't need that. And so that is why I come on here each and every week with a new topic based on questions you guys have for me. And so today, we're going to be talking about the causes of perfectionism. And then also to what are some of the results that come from that. And please do share this, I want everyone to get this information and get these tools, it is free information.

I do work with folks directly to give them more and how it relates to their life. But these little bits, these little jewels of information, we've got to get it out there and share it with others, why not? That's what we're here for. We're here to love ourselves, love each other, and just create a wonderful experience. Because as we can see out there, guys, there's stuff going on that makes it not a wonderful experience. There's stuff going on that makes people's lives feels so heavy, and so tragic and so painful. And so if we can bring them the supports and the tools that they can make life easier, make life better make life more supported, then we get to do that we get to help them. And I'm actually going to do the same thing right now.

02:52
And so my group that you are probably watching me from right now is freedom from negative thinking. So please make sure that you join the group, Facebook freedom from negative thinking Facebook group, and just be on there, I share information, I share tools, I'm on there every week giving you this information, I want you to get it, we want you to be free of negative thinking. And really just step into your life feeling good feeling loved, creating the change in your life that you want to have. And I'd like for you to see this time that I'm spending with you as though you paid for it. Because this is actually just like a real session that you would be getting this information.

I do it free because I want to make sure that it can reach everyone. But I want you to see the value in it that this really can make a difference in your life as you are doing this. And as you're doing this and going through the understanding if you're like oh, I want more of this, the way that you can reach me which answers the second question I had. You'll see my information here, you can reach me 954-657-3407 We can work together one on one we can work together with you as a couple or with you with your child or parent. So that way you are practicing the tools. We're not just talking about it, you are practicing it every day every week, getting the results that you want to have in your life.

You can also reach me also here you'll see sparks hope dot light is my website, you get more information there. You can also take a look at the resources and my blog. There's also the other lives that I have done that are listed there as well. All right, cool beans, we're going to go ahead and get started. Now you'll if you've been watching me a little bit, you'll know that tomorrow you're going to get an infographic of this information.

And the infographic is a picture because our subconscious mind really remembers things by pictures and symbols and colors. And so when we give it all of the senses, when we give it that information, it helps to remember because you're looking at it the picture, you're reading it, you're able to go back to it and refresh. And so tomorrow look for that infographic. I want you to have it in If you can't get to this today, tomorrow, I want you to go to my website sparks hope hope dot life forward slash resources and there you'll be able to see you can get tomorrow's infographic or any past infographic. So you're able to have these tools, like a book marker that you could put them up like a, or a sticky note, you can put them up around the house and continue to remind your mind, oh, yeah, I'm practicing this, I'm doing that I've improved this way, I've improved that way. And so it continues to help you to create the changes that you want to create in your life and that you deserve to have in your life.

You deserve to have your life feeling calmer, feeling more relaxed, feeling more at ease, why not. And so these tools are here to help you to do that. And then I'm also here to help you to take it even further and be able to implement it personally into your life. All right, cool. Beans. If you have any questions, let me know post them in the comments. If you're just liking what you're hearing, post that in the comments, I want to make sure that you are feeling like this is for you.

Because that's why I'm doing this, I don't just come on here to come on here. I do this because I want to help make that difference in your life. So if you're looking at it going, Oh, I really love this, this is really helpful, then I would love for you to share what's helpful for you. And if you're like, I don't really get this, you know, help me understand a little bit more than I want you to do that too. Because I want to make sure that you are getting your questions answered, I am here for you. I'm not here just to do this.

This isn't? Well, it is fun for me. So I can't lie and say it's not fun, because I know it's making a difference I hear from you. When you guys tell me, this is really making a difference. This is really helping me in my life. This is helping me in this way. You have no idea how much that inspires me, truly. So definitely do that. And thank you guys so much for the hearts. I really appreciate that.

06:55
So yeah, any questions, any concerns, put it there, and I'll address them here live. And then please do let me know if you have any new questions, because I'll make sure to address that for you guys into our next lives that actually gives me ideas for what I'm going to do next time. Okay, so these are not in any particular order, as I'm going through them. They're just in kind of like a listed order for myself. So I want you to be able to keep in mind, as you're looking at these things, remove any judgment from yourself, help yourself to realize that you are growing, this is an opportunity for you to grow, and begin to see, okay, this is just what's been happening for me, and now I can make the changes, right?

Okay. So the idea is that there's reasons why you have this perfectionistic type of experience for yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. And by the way, there is nothing wrong with the thought of wanting something to be perfect, right? When you look at something that's so beautiful, and you're like, Wow, that's so perfect. Wow, that's such a great job.

There's nothing wrong with striving for that. Wow, right? Striving for that mood, right striving for that experience. Like that's beautiful, you want to have that. But it's important when you start to take a look at situations. And I'll give you an example for myself. So for me, I want things to be perfect. And I might get stuck in it. So because I want it to be so perfect, I'll try something I don't like it try to get I don't like it try to get I don't like it.

And so then it never gets done. Right. So that's something that I've experienced in the past and it still tries to come up. So I want you to know that this isn't something that I'm you know, over. It's something that I work with. And but there's tools to be able to work with it and the information that I share with you today.

There's also knowledge that you get. And once you have that knowledge, you're able to then help your mind calm itself with new information. So for example, if you were saying instead, I am striving for excellence, versus it needs to be perfect. Notice how that feels in your mind and in your body. Notice how it gives you some room to breathe. And if you don't notice that that's okay. It just might be that you're still like, no, it's got to be perfect.

And so I'm not even going to, I might say the words excellent, but no excellent to me is perfect, right? So you want to allow yourself to realize that even if you have these perfectionistic tendencies, we can begin to practice and shift them. So I can say I want excellence. I want it to be on time. I want it to be you know, looking great. I want it to be everything in order. I want it to be everything organized.

So it allows you to say these are what I want. But the difference is is you're giving yourself room that if it's not that two, it's an entirety. There's room to say okay, so what can I do different? What can I learn from this? versus oh my gosh, this is wrong, this is not okay, I didn't meet up to it, I'm a failure, and then kind of going into a negative spiral, it can crush you, it can crush your dreams, it can crush you moving forward, it can paralyze you, it can have you do something that could be a huge success, but you stop right before the finish line.

So you want to give yourself the room to breathe, to take a break to relax about it, to notice that these are your goals. But to give yourself room to have a little bit of I don't want to call it a mistake, there will be mistakes, but a little bit of being off. So if you start a minute late, you give yourself room to go, okay. Okay, now I see I need to start a minute earlier. And then you just regroup. It's not about being perfect, right?

Because what happens I want you to understand this is is your perfectionistic experience is straight from your imagination. You're making up what it's supposed to be. So you can make up it's supposed to be something else, right? And the idea is when you have this imaginary line of perfect check in do you ever reach it? Or does the bar keep moving. And that's, that's how perfectionism works.

The bar keeps moving, you're never able to meet that perfect. And then when you get to perfect, it's like not satisfying, because you're not coming from a place of meeting your desire. Make sense? Okay, let me know if you have any questions. Let me know if you have any experiences around perfectionism that you're like, oh, yeah, this one comes up for me. And I really have these questions about it. Let me know, put that in the chat. I really want to hear from you. I want to be able to address that with you. Okay.

11:49
So now going back to that piece about this being in your imagination, that is the true culprit. But it's not your fault. It's not like you said, Oh, let me think of perfectionism and beat myself up about it. No, what happened is, as you were growing up, you started to see certain things, you started to see how people were doing it. And here's the thing, a lot of moms, you guys don't mean to do this. It's not like you're bad or anything like that.

But you want your kids to be everything, that you want them to be able to get everything you want them to be able to be the smartest, you want them to be able to be, you know, having everything that they need in their life. And that's a normal desire for a child. But what we got to be careful with is in doing that, we may be creating the idea for this child that they have to be perfect, which then has them set the bar, that I'm not ever good enough until I reach this. And they may find that they always change that idea. So they're never able to reach that idea.

And then finally, once there are a certain time, or a certain age or a certain experience, they have, like, Oh, I'll be perfect when I have $100,000 and they win the lottery and they're like, I don't feel perfect, okay, I need to buy these things. So then I can feel perfect, or I need to eat these things, or I need to wear these things, or I need to look this way. People who, who change their face or change their body or change these things to be perfect. Even once they do it. They're just like, I don't really feel the way I thought I would feel.

And to get into this relationship to feel perfect. They get this business to feel perfect. Believe me, guys, I've been there. I'm going through it as well. But I've been able to learn these tools and implement these tools and practice these tools. So I'm able to see that it's okay, I may be far from perfect.

But I'm not. I'm not reaching for perfect anymore. Because my perfect was comparing me to somebody else. I can't be that other person. Instead, now my perfect is perfectly me. My perfect is accepting who God has made me to be, and striving for excellence.

Right and going through the struggle of being able to push through when I don't believe I'm at my most excellent and it could be because I'm not eating well, it because I'm not sleeping well. Or there's a stressor in my life, or there's grief in my life where there's different things going on. And so then being able to find what's needed for myself to do that. So I can continue to get to that space of excellence. And so I want you to realize that most of these things that we're talking about within your, your imagination, what you imagined perfect would be like, is all subconscious it's from when you were growing up.

It's from what your social world has been telling you. It's from what the news has been telling you. It's what the school has been telling you all these various things. And it's so unhealthy because they're doing it from a place of wanting you to become a consumer. Right. So for you to be perfect you need to originary govern Sgarbi this certain line it's got to be like yeah, baby, right? Or it's got to be like these certain clothes and you know the shoes it's got to be the color are in the blinging, you know, it's just gotta be and the waste all your waste is just gotta be sure.

And you got to be a certain height, and you got to look like this. And I laugh, but we've all been through it, right, we've all been, you know, in some particular way or or another, it could have been even showing up in being bullied. Or it could have been showing up in how your parents were talking to you. Or it could have been showing up in how your friends were talking to you or just in as you're watching the shows, it's how you believe that you should look. So I just want to go through these examples.

And like I mentioned, you'll have the infographic tomorrow to take a look at, but you're gonna see that there's some specifics that actually cause you to be in this perfectionistic place. So you can give yourself permission when you see that they're there. Okay. So we might not know this, but genetics comes into play, and I'm gonna read something to you. There's this study that shows that there's a high genetic correlation in self oriented perfectionism, about 30% heritability in girls and 23%. In boys. I had no idea. I didn't think this was genetic.

But there are things in science that actually show these things can be genetic. Now, in my mind, I don't believe that I still have trouble with that. I don't believe it. But the studies are showing, I'm reading the studies that show it. And they also show that socially prescribed perfection is 42% for girls, and 35% for boys. Now, again, I don't believe that I'm like, How could this be genetic? How could you pass down perfectionism?

16:42
How could that be? Well, even though I may not agree with it, per se, in my mind, saying, I don't believe it, I'm looking at the facts. And I do agree if that's what science is saying, and they're able to study it in our bodies, and in our minds, and how things are reactive, then, okay. But either way, I also have read studies that say we can change our genes, by changing our behaviors by changing how we take care of our bodies by changing how we think and change our perspectives, right. So when even if it's genetic, we're not stuck with it. We used to believe in science, that we were stuck with those things.

But there's now proof that almost everything genetic can be shifted and changed. Right? There are even some things that show people who have multiple personality disorders, when they're in the space of believing they're one personality, their eye color is different. When they're in this face of being the other personality they're allergic to strawberries are, they're allergic to something that could is deadly to the other personality, but it's the same person. So it goes to show how powerful the mind is in how it can even shift, genetic. Whoa, right? Big stuff. So another one that's really, really big.

This one is huge, is fear. Right? And again, I didn't I mentioned these are not in any particular order. But take a look at what's driving you. When you're feeling like, oh, it's got to be perfect. It's got to be perfect. In most cases, it's fear. Right? Not every case. But in and especially for me, I can guarantee you 100% of the time, it was fear.

So take a look and see, well, am I doing that because of fear. Now, some people don't like the term fear. They think that fear is weakened. So they will know. I wasn't afraid. No, not me. But is there a? I don't know if it's going to be good enough. I don't know if it's gonna be like this. I don't know if people are gonna like it. I don't know. That's fear. Right?

So the what ifs those negative what ifs, that uncertainty, that inadequacy, that stuff going on. That's all about fear, right. And so the idea is if we're afraid to be rejected, because we were rejected growing up, if we're afraid of being punished, because we were punished growing up, if we're afraid of people coming back, and like backstabbing and gossiping, and trying to hurt us on purpose, maybe because it happened. Or maybe because we've seen it happen to others. Oftentimes, if we see something happen to others, we we can live and experience it through our own to for example, there was a study that showed when somebody was rejected by a close, just some friends.

The parts of the mind that were triggered, or the person that was rejected, were the same parts of the mind that are triggered when there's pain, physical pain. The interesting thing was somebody watching it, who cared about them, friend family connection, felt the same parts of their brain light up. So they felt the same pain as though it was a physical pain to them. Now, this is really cool stuff, guys. So it's really good for us to be able to see how we can impact each other both in positive and negative ways.

And how the body responds to things that we see things that we think and so if you are having fearful thoughts that somebody is going to hurt you, if you imagine somebody hurting you, your subconscious mind is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we got it, we're not going in that direction, your subconscious mind is here to protect you. So it's not going to allow you to go into the direction of something that's going to hurt you. So if you believe that next step is going to hurt you, your subconscious mind is going to sabotage you until you can't do it with ideas of perfectionism. Interesting, right. So allowing yourself to be able to take a look at that and know that and know that there's nothing wrong with you know that this is totally normal. And there's other things that cause it to write.

If you were really shamed and really criticized, right, that's, that's the aspects of rejection that your parents were practicing. I'll give you an example. When I was a little kid. I don't like this story, because it's true. And it relates to now as well. So when I was a little kid, my mother would get really mad at me about everything, and I would be punished in consequence.

She would blame me for something in particular, and I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. Well, I realized that if I didn't say I did it, then I would continue to be punished. So then I would say, Okay, fine, I did it. I knew it. I knew it. You're such a liar. So now I'm being punished for telling a lie, which she thought was the truth. And now I'm being punished for lying when originally I was telling the truth.

21:39
And then there were other times I lied to not get in trouble, because it was more about trying to figure out, how can I survive this next moment? Like, do I lie or tell the truth, which one's going to work to 5050 chance. And so just created this, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, I don't know what. So it was almost like this, either direction I go in, is going to be painful.

And so now when I'm doing things with my business, there are times when I'm just like, I don't know what to do, I am afraid. Now, there is no out there, that's gonna hurt me. 100%, there are people that say things and do things that hurt. But there is nobody that's trying to hurt me and trying to take away my business. But there is that fear. Right, it does come up. And so I do practice tools that I'm going to be sharing with you next week, this week is just talking about the causes.

Next week, I'm going to be sharing with you how we can actually move forward and create a new experience for ourselves a new understanding. So like this week, we're talking about the mind and we're talking about what causes it, and we're talking about the idea of breaking it. But also seeing that the concept of perfect isn't bad if we're looking more about creating excellence. In instead of I have to meet this and there's no other way and it's going to paralyze me and I can't move forward. Or because I have to be perfect. It's never good enough.

And I'm pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing until I'm sick. I'm never getting enough sleep. I've never taken care of myself, I'm never eating right. I'm never, you know, I'm always taking care of the kids. I'm always taking care of my spouse, I'm always taking care of everything else. And I just don't have time for me. And I I feel like I'm having a breakdown all the time. I feel like I'm totally overwhelmed all the time.

Right? And one of those could sound like you are all of those could sound like you. And I guarantee you guys, this isn't something that just fixes itself, you have to practice. And it's also work that I'm practicing. I've been practicing it over a lifetime. I've had severe traumas. And so the they bring stuff up all the time.

But it's being able to work through it and go, Okay, I'm better now I'm better on the other side of it. I've got these tools, I've got these things. So when this comes up, I know what to do. And so I feel good, I feel cool, I feel calm, I feel collected. And these things are paralyzing me now moving forward, sweet. And you can do that too. Okay, so then the other piece that I wanted to share with you is to keep in mind that this is really coming from a high high high cultural aspect.

So for example, like I was mentioning, we can have these different traumas that come up in our life that create like fear of failure and fear of mistakes. And you know, it's it's normal to have that. But what happens then is our culture, right? teachers, students, things around Oh, you can't make mistakes. I can't believe you did that. What's wrong with you? Why could you Why would you have done that? You know, you're not supposed to do that. Right instead of it's okay.

You know what, we make mistakes. You You now get used to Don't we get to learn from these mistakes, and we also have our natural consequences. So what can you see are the natural consequences that came from this? And what can you do differently next time? So we don't have to have this struggle again?

What if it sounded like that instead? So it's important to realize that our culture has trained us incorrectly, or abused us incorrectly. And we get to call her out for what it is. It's not like woe is me, I was abused. I'm such a victim. No, it's like, woe is me, I was abused. And I get to learn from that.

Because I don't want to be that way towards somebody else. But if I don't learn other tools, guess what my fallback is going to be what I've been trained. And so if your fallback is into an in perfectionism, and it's got to be a particular way, before anything, then let yourself breathe, let yourself take a look at it, let yourself create it in a new way, like, hey, I can still reach excellence in every single way. And I feel good about it. And I have room to make mistakes and room to breathe and room to know that I don't have to be flawless at every single thing, room to be able to acknowledge myself instead of being in constant criticism and punishment to the point that I'm being self abusive all the time, the point where I'm overwhelmed about everything, and to the point of burnout.

26:27
Instead, feeling good, feeling energized, feeling uplifted, feeling supported, giving yourself room to breathe room, to have mistakes, room to be tolerant to yourself, and to others. All of that will shift you out of that idea that you have to be perfect. It'll shift you out of being so critical to yourself to the point of never finding what that perfect is always pushing, pushing, pushing until there's nothing left. And you feel like why am I even here. Instead, you get to step into your self worth, you get to step into your self value, you get to take a look at what cultural expectations or expectations from Justin, how you were raised your relationships you were in.

And you get to allow yourself to make some changes there, create what it is that you want instead. Like if instead I called it excellence, or if instead I just called it being on time and being organized, and doing my best. And being 100%. Even if sometimes I'm so tired, my 100% Looks more like a 50%. And knowing that that's my 100% for that day.

And I can change that by getting better sleep better rest better food, okay. And you have room to live guys. And know that if that stuff is going on your mental health is not healthy. Right? There's nothing wrong with you. It's, it's balanced to what's going on. And so if you are beating yourself up that you have to be some kind of perfect. If you are so overwhelmed, overstressed over anxious, then of course your mental health is not going to be in a good state.

Just like if you didn't bathe every day, your physical health is not going to be in a good state. Let's say you only bathed once a week. Some people do that right there, okay? Because they like they still do bird baths and stuff. But let's say you didn't do bird baths, you're going to get rashes, your body's not going to do well. You're going to start having reactions, you're going to start getting infections.

Why would you be surprised if you're doing the same thing to your mind? We call it a stigma, but it's just just not not enough information. It's just uneducated. Right? So let's just get educated about mental health. Just like physical health. And guys, there's another thing that we don't talk about spiritual health.

Why not? You have a spirit. Your Spirit needs to thrive and needs to feel good. You're taking care of your being takes care of your spiritual being. It's who you are, you're taking care of your physical being and your emotional being takes care of your spiritual being. You're taking care of your spiritual being helps your physical being and your emotional being, your mental being, mental health well being. So taking care of each one of those things we're going to get into in the next couple of weeks.

But it's important to first start to understand what are the causes, so you can change them. And be intentional about it. You could do the same thing as you're having your children, and you can change it for them so they can change it for themselves. And we break the patterns. And that's so essential. The things that we're carrying around are not ours.

They belong to somebody else, but we don't know that we're carrying them or if we know that we are we don't know how to put them down. We don't quite know what they are. We just know the results and the results are just creating dis ease, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, in ways that you do not deserve. So, take a look at the causes, you're going to see the infographic tomorrow, you're going to be able to see, okay, so I can see how these ways have been affecting me, I could see how my parents said and did these things, I could see how the teachers and the students in the culture and even how my I seem to be jumping into these things. Genetically, it seems to be across my family.

Now, there's the biggest piece of environment to like, learn, there's not a certainty in the science of where the line is of genetic Lee like nurture versus nature kind of thing. But the idea of knowing you can make the change. So it doesn't matter, is allowing yourself to say, okay, so this is the cause. And I'm going to stop that cause from flowing into my life. By learning to set boundaries, we're going to talk about that, by learning how to understand your emotions, we're going to talk about that all these various things you're going to learn. So you can step out of perfectionism. And if these things are talking to you, let me know, reach out to me, you see that my numbers here, we can set up a breakthrough call with you. And we can get you an action plan and see what specific areas you want to work on.

31:10
That will help you move forward. And just feel life in a different way. Have the health that you deserve, the healthy relationships, the business or career, getting those things moving forward, getting that momentum back in your life, having yourself feel that hope and that joy to deserve. And it's easy. As you're practicing it and learning it, you're gonna see Whoa, I didn't realize how easy this could be.

And you deserve that. So you take care of you. I really appreciate this time that you've spent with me today. Please do share this. There are people who do not know this stuff. They think that this is just who they are because they're broken. That's not the case at all. Yeah. All right.

So you take care of you and bring it in. Big squishy hugs. Know that you're loved and you're appreciated. And know that you can do this totally, totally. You take care of yourself. I appreciate you as you step into this work and you make these changes for yourself. This is big stuff. People take years to do this stuff, if ever so give yourself acknowledgement and credit for stepping up and doing the work.

You take care of you. Ciao for now. Bye