The Benefits of Self-Forgiveness (Scientifically Proven)

Video Dated: March 05, 2022

All right, we are live. Hello and Happy Wednesday. I hope you guys are doing wonderful. And like I have an eyelash. Apologize.

Okay, so what are we going to be talking about today? What are we going to be looking at? How are you going to change your life today? You deserve it right? So today we're going to be talking about forgiveness. And a lot of times people hear that topic and they're just like back forgiveness, you need to forgive jerk. Well, you're right.

Who doesn't need to forgive jerk? Well, the idea is not what you've been taught when you were little, this is going to be different. This is not all forgiven. Forget, it's okay. I know you didn't mean to rip my heart out and throw it on the floor and stomp on it until it died.

So yeah, no, this isn't about letting people get away with things. That's not really what forgiveness is about. And we get confused oftentimes, because even in the Bible, it says, you know, I forgive. And it's as far as the east is from the west, it's like throwing it into the ocean. It's not there anymore. I forget about it. Well, yeah. But that's because the person

When there's that forgiveness, it's repent, right? Shake it off of yourself, don't do it again, and then move forward. Well, that's very similar. So when you're creating an experience of forgiveness, it's setting boundaries, so that person can't hurt you again, that's when you can set forgiveness and be in a healthy place. So when I was a child,

My mother was very tough. She was very abusive, and I use that word as a true experience. She was very abusive. And so it wasn't like, Oh, it's okay, I forgive you was really gonna help. I tried. I tried so hard. But I came to realize that wasn't healthy. And that wasn't what she needed. That wasn't what I needed. It wasn't what I needed. Because every time I said that, I was lying. Right? And I could feel it, I could feel that I was just trying to say, oh, it's gonna be okay, because I loved her and I wanted us to be okay. I didn't want to say what you did is okay, because it was a lie. What she did was a melody, okay. And so what I needed to be able to say was, what you did isn't okay.

But I want to create this experience of love and forgiveness between us. So how can we make sure you can't do that again? Right. That's what I needed to say. When I was a kid. I didn't know how to do that. And so instead, I just said, It's okay, I forgive you.

And so then I felt, I felt as though I was taking my pain, and punching it in the face and saying, You don't matter.

And that hurts. Right? That hurts. So, so so so, so much. And so inevitably, without realizing it, I was taking what my mom did. And I said, it's okay, you can do it again. And she did. She did it again. And again. And again. And again.

Until I finally just learned how to set boundaries. And some of the time I just stayed away from her, and didn't talk to her and didn't share and didn't,

I didn't grow up around her. Actually, I grew up in foster care as a teenager and into an adult. And I realized my mom does not know how to be a mom. My mom does not know how to support. My mom does not know how to be loving. She's too busy in her own stuff and dealing with her own problems and her own abuse and her own inappropriate thinking that I can't rely on her as a mom. And so what I had to do first was set a boundary and forgive myself, because I kept expecting this woman who couldn't do what I needed her to do. I kept expecting her and being pissed off that she couldn't. And so that's the thing I want to share with you guys today. Allowing yourself to create a different aspect of forgiveness by changing your expectations by helping yourself to see sometimes when you're the adult in the relationship, you can't expect that other person to be something other than that. They are not developmentally there. They're not emotionally there.

And so if you're putting yourself in that situation and having affectations of that person that they can't meet, even though you believe they should, doesn't matter, you can believe all day that they should. But if they can't, not capable, not emotionally aware, not intelligent enough, whatever the reason is maybe a developmental delay, maybe they've been through so much abuse, they haven't healed yet, whatever their reason is, they can't be who you want them to be, even if they're drinker or doing drugs, and you're like, well, it's their fault, okay? Still where they're at. So they cannot be where you need them to be.

And so, if you take a look at the post, before this video, I want you to jot down or not jump down, but you can save the infographic that's there. And if you want, I can actually send it to you. So let me know. And you're going to be able to see, it walks you through different points of being able to practice forgiveness, you also see in the post here, too, if you want to copy it, you can do the same. I give you these infographics. So you can go back to them and use them later. I want you to practice this stuff, not just read and go, Oh, that's nice. Thank you. No, I'm giving this to you to help you make these changes. So your life can feel better. And I do it because I had to do the same stuff. I had to do the same practice. And there are times with, you know, things that my mom didn't said things that my dad still does or doesn't do, that I have to work through.

And it's okay. So number one, the very first thing is realize for yourself, that self forgiveness is essential, we focus on others, but look at yourself. So because of the way my mother treated me and because of the way my father treated me.

After I was a little bit older, I began to really judge myself and really think I was worthless. I was waiting to die and go to hell. I mean, no kidding. I knew God couldn't love me because I was such a terrible person. And that just was my truth at the time. And so when I realized that those things weren't true, and other criticisms not good enough, I can't be good enough, either, you know, not smart enough, not old enough, not tall enough. not pretty enough.

You name it, I always compared myself to everyone else. Because I was not good enough. And I wanted to be something else. I want to be that over there. I want to have more money, I wanted to have a house, I wanted to be married, I wanted to have children. I wanted to you know, and whatever it was I wasn't.

That's what I wanted. Because I didn't want to be me. It's really what it was. Because I believed I was such a terrible person. I had such disdain for the person I was. So I was comparing all the time, all the time, all the time.

I was so tired of my own comparisons of other people. And because what it did is it made me feel and believe and ache for not being good enough. I thought about suicide, most of my growing up years until I ended up in foster care. And then I saw life could be different, I saw that there could be hope at the end of this dark, dark tunnel. And the same thing is true for you no matter how dark your tunnel, or it might be like super light, and you just need a little bit more support. Whatever it looks like for you realize that as you're practicing this self forgiveness, it gets even lighter. And when I say self forgiveness, it's the same thing I was just mentioning earlier. It's not about saying to somebody, Oh, it's okay. No worry. No, it's not okay. If there's been things that you've done to hurt yourself, we've got to go through that practice of forgiveness that says, hey, I'm so sorry, I did that. I didn't know better at the time. But I'm sure as heck know better now, or I see what I'm doing. I don't know how, but I'm going to get support for it. So it's going to be okay. Right. So number one, you're becoming aware of how you're practicing self criticism in a harmful way.

So overall, criticism can be great, right? When you look at something and go, Okay, that's not really, that's not how I want that to work. You can critique that, you know, no, that's not really running smoothly. It's okay to critique. You want to be able to see what's working, what's not working. It's when you go, that's not really working out very well, because you're an idiot, you should have done it this way. And that's because you're so you don't even know what you're doing and you have no skills and totally different. You're moving from critiquing something into self deprivation, totally different. But a lot of people have collapsed it together because that's what you've been taught. So pull it apart, guys. Realize that you were practicing that because that's what you were taught. That's what you believe that it's what you took on and that's somebody else's, that's not yours. And so as you allow yourself to realize, okay, I realize I now have been being too harsh with myself. And I'm going to practice this new level of self forgiveness that says, I didn't do that on purpose.

I tried it out. And this was the result, I didn't want that result. So now I'm going to try it out differently. And I'm going to forgive myself for being so harsh and so toxically critical that I can now just look at what didn't work, and go, Okay, huh, this is what I get to do different next time got a good job with all the effort and trying and doing this and, okay, good.

So I make light, but it's really something that can be so heavy that you can really damage your, your soul with. And I know that because I did it, right. But the great thing about it is human beings can heal, hearts can heal, experiences can heal, and you can grow and you can develop and you can shift all of these things. And as you're letting your subconscious mind hear this, you're already beginning to go, oh, oh. So the subconscious mind is getting new information and new understanding the old neural pathway is shifting to a new neural pathway. So let yourself practice that let yourself have that let yourself realize, oh, I can do it a new way. And that's when the mind starts to open up and gets creative, and begins to see those new ways. Number two, allowing yourself to be able to see when you're being in that criticism, what's helpful and what's hurtful. Right? And you might not know, because you've had it collapsed for so long. Take a look at what has you feel uplifted? And what has you feel like crap, you're gonna know. And you might go, Gosh, all of it, I feel like crap.

And bring to yourself forgiveness, say, Hey, I didn't know there was another way to do this. This is just how I learned. And now I'm going to do it a new way. And that new way could sound just like I shared with you, oh, well, when I did this, that didn't work. When I did this, that did work. Or when I did all of this, it sure seems like it doesn't work. So let me talk to somebody else and get their perspective on it. And take on their perspective, if their perspective uplifts you, and supports you and helps you, then that's where you can replace what's hurting you with what uplifts you. So it's okay to not know yet. It's okay to have done it the wrong way. And I use quotes because when we think we're doing something wrong, we beat ourselves up. So I want you to think of it as well, this was the unhealthy way and I'm going to do a healthier way versus bad and wrong. You don't need to be punished. Honestly, you've been punished long enough, if you've been practicing this, this is very, very, very self abusive stuff. It's punishing so terribly.

I practiced it, too. Into my 30 years, guys, 30 years, and I can touch that pain. If I go to it anymore, I would want to cry. Because it was so long and so deep, and so agonizing. And it went into such painful thoughts and judgments. So I can relate, I don't just do this work because I learned it. I do this work because I experienced it and have taught myself how to step out of it because I've got the education. And I saw what worked in that. And I saw what didn't, I saw all the personal development work and all of what I got out of it, and all of what I didn't. And what I didn't I just devastated myself with. So you can learn a new way to practice you can change that neural neural pathway. And you can step into self forgiveness, not allowing unhealthy behavior, but self forgiveness that says oh is I'm going to set some boundaries. So that doesn't happen anymore. Right. And number three, self forgiveness improves our well being and productivity. So that's just one area.

It helps relieve the stress, it can help heal the body. If you have ulcers, if you have migraines, if you have tension headaches, if you have stomach issues, if you have that pit in your stomach all the time. It relieves all of it. It takes away anxieties and helps to heal relationships. Now you might go well, I just said I forgive myself. And I don't feel any different. Well, it might take some practice and it might take some help. We might not know how, right not to the depths, we might say the words, but we don't really know how to let that go. Because in the back of our mind, really.

Whatever, I can't forgive myself for that that was terrible. Or I already said I forgive myself. I'm still doing it wrong and stupid.

Because in the moment, it's just something you're getting logically you're not really getting it. And so that's why it's important to get help and we'll we'll talk about that one as well. So number four, forgiveness helps you to realize the difference between guilt and shame.

If I'm guilty of something, my conscience will say hey, clean that up. Don't leave that like that. That's healthy.

But if instead I take that and I go, Yeah, I can't believe I did that, that, Oh, that was terrible. What a terrible person. Terrible people do that I can't believe, gosh, that was so stupid. I can't believe you did that, and then beat myself up in that way, my whole life. My mother used to do that. And I took on the same behavior, and I did it to, to myself. So we can turn something that has a say, Hey, you did something. And by the way, as a child, did, the stuff I did wasn't to hurt anybody. The stuff I did was like, hmm, I wonder what will happen if I do this?

It was a lot of lack of understanding. Now I can laugh, but as a kid, I believed I was nothing. I believed that I was disdainful, I believe I literally believed that I belonged in hell.

Right, and, and I say that, and I stayed a bit detached from my emotion, because if I connect to it, I would want to cry that a beautiful little girl was thinking that about herself. And let me let me come off of that, because I'm going to cry.

But I didn't see myself as a beautiful little girl, I saw myself as this person who made my mommy sad, and made her not like me and made her want to hurt me. And so it's important to realize that we might have these beliefs and we might have these stories. And we might totally believe that they're real and true. They're not.

And so being able to speak into your heart, hey, I forgive you. I know you didn't mean to say that about yourself. You are such a good person. You're doing the best that you can you always have you look out for people, you want to make a difference in the world. You're such a good, kind, loving person, you're not those things. I forgive you of thinking that and saying that. You're beautiful, you're wonderful. You're kind. You're beautiful golden light from the inside to the out and back again.

That's, that's true. Yeah.

Okay, so number five, forgiveness lets you perfectly be you. Lead awesome, you don't have to be perfect. You just let yourself perfectly be you. That's how God made you. You are perfect, perfect little fingers and perfect little toes. Just like when you look at a baby or a puppy or anything that you love, you're like,

That's you.

Getting older doesn't change that. Getting older just gives you an opportunity to experience and grow and mistakes doesn't mean that you're bad and wrong. Mistakes means that you're living in, you're trying and you're experiencing and you're experimenting. That's life, that's what we're here to do.

It means that you're living.

So allowing yourself to do that feels so good. Allowing yourself to experience that as part of life. Instead of judging and criticizing. You can be in that self forgiveness and say, oh my gosh, I was judging you for living.

Because I learned it from other people and thought that was the way to do it.

And so you step into that forgiveness. And instead you're like, I love you. I'm so proud of you. You've done so good.

Yeah, coz you have. All right. 

When you're practicing, that, you're removing that toxic perfectionism.

And believe me, it's toxic. Now, if you're looking at perfectionism in a healthy way, it's doable. It is like, Hey, this is my measurement. This is where I want to get to, that's what I would call perfect for me. Okay, cool. So I'm here, and I'm going to get there. I'm looking forward to getting there. And I'm okay with where I'm at here. I'm looking forward to being here. Because I haven't yet learned to be here. It's like looking at a child. This child doesn't yet know how to walk. I'm appreciating their crawling, I'm appreciating, they're trying. I'm appreciating them pulling themselves up. I'm appreciating they're falling down and knocking their Vigo noggins.

I'm not going well, why aren't you here yet? Why aren't you running? Why aren't you? Why don't you have a job? No, we're in the moment we'll look at their look at it you just did just wildly all over. They look like a little penguin. And

We enjoy this moment for everything that it is. And actually, as a parent, you're probably going I don't want this moment to go away. I don't want them to be running yet. I don't want them to be getting a job yet. You're enjoying this moment so much that you don't want it to go away.

Enjoy you that much be in that level of understanding and that level of love and that level of forgiveness that when you see yourself experiencing a moment. And by the way, guys, I'm talking to myself too.

I want to be there and I'm here. And so this year I've really been practicing letting myself be here, letting myself have this experience without judgment and criticism of not being somewhere else. How painful is that? We don't need that pain. We don't deserve that pain you deserve love and connection. Share with me in the comments how this might be connecting with you. Share in the comments what's coming up for you, as you're hearing this. If it's a particular area, a particular topic, particular emotion, share in the comments. I'd love to hear from you. You guys, give me your feedback. And let me know. And please do share this information because so many people, they're living in such criticism of themselves, that it's, it's devastating to their being. And they don't deserve that right now.

So go ahead, share this.

And then hashtag replay if you're watching the replay, and share your comments to the want to hear what you have to say, I want to hear how this is helping. I want to hear what additional support you need. Because as we're moving into this, you're going to see that one of the things you get to do is ask for support. Get that help that you need. Okay, number six, stay in an attitude of forgiveness creates space for balanced expectations. And that's what I was just sharing with you. If you're in an attitude of forgiveness, you're all about this moment where that little that little child is walking, you're not in that wire to hear yet.

You're in that, hey, this is part of your journey, you're right on the right place of where you need to be and where you're developing. I'd love you right where you are, I honor you right where you are, appreciate right where you are. Don't wish it away. So that way you can really absorb what you're getting here.

Practice that, my friends. And believe me, I'm practicing it with you.

We get to practice this, this is a practice. So we get better and better and better.

Right. All right. Now, what I would like for you to do is practice these steps that I've just shared with you. And then take number seven,

and kind of summarize. So number seven takes these and summarizes it. So you're practicing awareness, you're removing the harmful subconscious beliefs, those harmful.

Criticisms that are just tearing you apart, you're removing that, right? Then you're allowing yourself to ask for what you need from yourself and others like, hey, when you say this, I feel and think this, I need this. Now I know that sounds simple. And until you get it, it's not. So don't beat yourself up and don't beat me up. Because you're like, Well, why? It's not that simple. I tried it, it didn't work.

Well, it takes practice. So we actually have to sit you down, and kind of roleplay things out see how what's your perspective? How are you responding? What's your tone? Are you like, hey, I need this focus what you're not gonna get it? Or are you like, I need this, you're not gonna get it. It's being able to strengthen yourself, see how you're being in creating, you're going to create somebody to respond to you how you're presenting, just works that way. That's how we are as human beings. So it's going to take that kind of practice, but asking for what you need, removing the negative thinking and replacing it. So a big part of what we would practice is the reason you're responding that way is because you have some negative subconscious beliefs and habits. And that you're going to respond that way until they're removed. And the way to remove them is to become aware of them, and to begin cleaning them out and replacing them. It's just how it works, right? You got trash in the house, it's going to stink, you can't just put a new bag over it.

It will eventually stink again, only worse. So I am here to help you clean out that mind trash to clean out that stinkiness to clean out that stuff that it was there to help write that stuff was there to help. But you realize now Gosh, right? I was a little kid when I made up those rules. And what I thought would help was kind of cockeyed. So we got to go in and straighten it out. Okay, little kids don't know better. That's where our learning begins. There's nothing wrong with getting incorrect ideas. What ends up making it wrong, is we're using it in places doesn't help it actually makes it worse.

So allow yourself to create that change. And the last thing you don't have to do it alone.

I always thought I had to do it alone. And I always thought well, it's gonna be too much, right? I can't do it. Or I'm just, you know, I know biggest thing was, it's just going to be too much.

And so I just wouldn't even look for help. And there were times I did look for help. And it didn't really help and so I got more frustrated. So that's why I say to people reach out to me. Let me give you these tools. Let's see if it's going to help. If it doesn't, you haven't lost anything because you still leave with the tools and you still leave with the supports.

But I guarantee you 100% of the people I talk to feel better whether they work with me or not. So, reach out, get the support you need, get the tools, start practicing this stuff, change your life, it literally changes your life, and you deserve it. So share this information and save this information, save it, come back to it, keep practicing it. And I'm here every Wednesday at 815. And for now, I'm going to keep doing it until I have another plan. I have other plans down the line, but I'm gonna keep doing this as long as I can. I've been doing it for you guys now for years.

Because I care about you. Because I know what it feels like to be in devastating pain and self judgment. And I know what it feels like to get out of it. And to stay being out of it. Like that's the coolest thing. You can stay being out of it.

Ah, what a relief.

Makes you think of the Tums was it Tums? No Alka Seltzer. Pop this phase. Oh, what a relief it is. Although it's funny, because I have found something so much better, that actually helps with tummy issues. So anyways, side note, get this information into people's hands. Help them to know that they can bring a deep level of forgiveness and change and skills and practice into their life. This is not just mumbo jumbo. This is not just good advice. This is about learning how to put this good advice into practice how to do it.

So get the how to get the practice and get the heck in there change in your life. Yeah. All right, you guys, you know how to reach me, you can reach me over here, my phone number 954-657-3407. You can reach me on any of the platforms just message me. If I don't get it right away. You can again reach me over here. Or you can just message me again, I get them. I check. I may not be able to check every day. But I check. And my assistant checks for me as well. So you can text me, you can call you can smoke signal. Just kidding, I won't see that.

But you can message me on any area and ask me your questions. I can answer the questions and the next Wednesday. I can answer the questions with you directly. We can set up a breakthrough session and go over any questions you have. You deserve to know who you are. You deserve to feel good in this life.

It's not going to be that long. This life goes by so quickly. And 45 I can't believe it. My mom died it. Oh No, this is terrible. I can't remember if it was 46 or 47. But I'm about to outlive my own mom. We just don't know. I already outlived my big sister 42. For her, I remember correctly.

You deserve the best you can have in this life, even if you don't believe that yet. So reach out. Let's help your mind believe that. Because it's true. God doesn't make mistakes. He makes miracles.

Bringing in big squishy hugs. Sending that to you.

Just let yourself be loved and nurtured and cared for. And if I could be the one to help you do it. It's totally my honor.

All right. You take care of you know that you're loved and cared for.

And I will see you next week. You take care of yourself. Ciao for now.