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7 Stages to Expect When You're
Experiencing a Breakup
Video Dated: March 28, 2022
Good morning. Good morning. Happy Wednesday, I hope you guys are doing wonderful. And I hope you are ready today to take a look at how to revive your relationship. Because why not?
Because you deserve it because your relationship deserves it. And even if you're not in a relationship, having that relationship with yourself is essential. So you get yourself to the point where you're like, yeah, baby, I'm a 10. And then when you're a 10, you're attracting a 10, right. And so if you find yourself in this space, where you're not really feeling quite yourself or where you want to be, then you're going to attract that same kind of partner, or friends in your life. And you don't want that.
And so that's why we're going to be taking a look at this today. And just so you know, you've probably been seeing my information out there, you're going to be invited while you are invited. And you're going to be seeing that this Friday at 1230. I have a Revive You Relationship webinar (every 1st Friday of the month):
So the information that you're going to hear here is going to be in a lot more detailed there. And you'll be able to ask questions, you'll be able to see how it applies to you, you'll also be able to see how it applies to when you're working on relationship.
There's two levels to relationship, right? There's into me, I see. And there's into you, I see. So we tend to think that intimacy is just with somebody else out there. But if you don't have a relationship with yourself, if you don't feel intimate to this human being, then it's going to be very difficult to really be intimate out there.
Because we are created to treat others as we treat ourselves. And so if we're like, yeah, I talk bad to myself, I put myself down, you know, I'm not really treating myself the way it should, My health isn't so great, I have negative relationships. That would be why, right? If you find that you're trying to have a really good relationship with your kids, and they can't stand you and you can't stand them, you know, or you just love them to pieces, but you guys can't get on the same page, there's a block going on, in your own intimacy.
And so you want to make that change happen for yourself, it's really essential that you allow yourself to do that. And so we're going to be going over that today. And we're going to go over seven steps that you can take a look at now, these things take practice. So as I'm sharing with you, I don't want you to think, Oh, that's really great advice. I want you to think, okay, how can I really implement this into my life? How can I really make this work, because that is the real goal, right? You can talk about it all day long, you can think about it all day long. But if you don't know how to implement it, then it's going to be still holding you back and limiting you. And you're not going to get the results you want in your relationship.
And so that's the goal today. And again, I hope to see you on Friday. And if you're not sure you can take a look at my previous posts and see the countdown. It's going to be Friday at 1230. And you just see the link there, click on the link and register. And then I will respond to you. And I'll say, Hey, so what are some questions or ideas or topics you would like to have addressed? And so it's going to be very individualized to what you guys want to know, within these steps. And so you'll see how, as we're kind of going through these steps, oh yeah, I could see how that could work. And so you can ask those questions here as well. And you'll be able to get even more detail on Friday. So I'm actually sharing this as well.
So go ahead and share this link, TinyURL.com/CreateEase you can see the link at the top, or you can see where it says Share, share this information so others can join. So they can have this kind of oh yeah, this is the life I want to bring into my relationship, whether you have it now. Or whether you want to have it in the past, in the past, whether you want to have it in the future. And you can look at your past relationships, intimate relationships, whether it's been with your parents, whether it's been with your kids, whether it's been with best friends, or whether it was with a spouse, or partner, that gives you an indication of how you handle relationships.
So moving forward, that gives you the next indication of, oh, this is where I want to make that difference. Right? And so that's how it literally will help you to make that difference. It just takes practice. And it's important to let yourself practice because if you don't, then otherwise come time you're stuck in the relationship going, how do I put life into it or I don't feel like I'm really loving my partner that much anymore. I don't feel connected a you know, it feels like it's gotten stale, or I find the wrong relationships over and over again. You don't want those right.
So take a look at my previous posts before this you're gonna see an infographic and download that infographic. It's going to go over these specific steps with you And the idea is, as you practice these steps, there's little step by steps within the steps. So for example, number one is you're taking a step back. Now you might go, oh, that sounds negative, I don't want to do that I want to really stay into my relationship. But when there's problems, and they seem like they're right here, you can't see much further than that.
So when you take that step back, it helps you kind of see it a little bit better. And that's where you can kind of breathe, and breathe some life back into the relationship. And when you take a step back, it's helping you to be able to look at what are your thoughts? What are your emotions? What's going on there? It gets you real clear. And then it's able to help you see what is my partner thinking? How are they feeling? Or if you're somebody who's looking to get into a relationship, practice this activity, write down what are the red flags that you've had in past relationships, relationships with mom, dad, any caregivers, relationships with really good friends, authority figures in your life that were really important? Write down things that you didn't like? So maybe they didn't listen to you? Maybe they were pushy. Maybe they just worked all the time, and they weren't available? Or maybe they were so loving, that you felt afraid that you had to be perfect all the time.
And so sometimes it's not even the person that causes it. It's our belief in relationship to that person, but still write it down. Those are the red flags that have you feel a negative way. And on that same piece of paper, or if you're doing it like in your notes on your phone, then you do the next column. And you put the green flags, what are the things I loved about that relationship? And I've had some clients that say, well, they birth me. Well, if that's all there is, there's still something in that relationship, it was there for a reason. So if you can't stand the person, they were terrible, or they weren't even in your life, they just disappeared, and they just gave they just conceived you, then that's it, right? And that's okay.
But you might see the red flags of that person who left that person who wasn't available, that person who didn't show that they cared. And then green flags would be glad they didn't have the negativity in my life, I'm glad that they knew to leave when they should have things like that. So kind of helps you get an idea. Those are some examples. And as you become aware of the red flags that you experienced, you'll begin to see what you're allowing in your life and in your relationships. And you can do this with your partner. And if you don't want to share this with them, you know, directly then just share this recording and ask them to come to the event on Friday, both of you come together at 1230, it's only going to be an hour and a half. So it's not a super long time. And you're going to be able to ask questions and see what other people are asking as well. All right.
And so that really helps you kind of break it down. So now the other aspect that you're going to be taking a look at is why did I choose them? Now if you're an individual not yet in a relationship, then you would ask yourself, what do I want to choose in this person? And that's where you're looking at those green flags. So whether it's a current relationship, or when you want to get into your focus is the green flags like? And it could be some of it could be, you know, what we would call shallow, right? If you're like, Oh, well, I really want them to be attractive, and at least six feet tall. That's okay.
Don't consider it shallow, right? Allow yourself to consider that's like when you go shopping. That's your flavor. That's your taste, right? So put down the things that you would even judge if they make you happy. Right? And there might be some things that are too picky. But that's okay. Put it down. Anyway, I like somebody with blond hair. Right? But you still might really love somebody with red hair doesn't matter. But you can still put it down just to see what you like.
It's giving yourself permission without judgment, red flags, green flags, you get really clear, why is it that I chose that person or want to choose that person helps you to get to know you. And you're creating, you're getting back into Oh, yeah, this is what I like. Butterflies, right? So it gets you into that and it's really fun. And it helps you to get back in tune with yourself and turn that stuff back on. Instead of having turned it off. Make sense?
If you guys have any questions, let me know. Put it in the comment. Those of you who are watching the replay, put hashtag replay and then whatever question you have, or hey, that really, you know, that really resonates with me or, you know, I can relate to this because really, you know, get involved in this so I can support you in the ways that you're seeing that you need and want.
Okay, so then you're taking a look at sometimes when we get into a relationship or the idea of a relationship, we don't realize there's there still needs to be the set times for the things that you get to do so you keep your individuality. There are things that they need to do so they keep their into the duality, it doesn't mean that you're wrong, because you want to be with them all the time, it doesn't mean that they're wrong, that they want to be with you all the time.
But it's still important to set that time for yourself and not just work. That's not your time. Now, if you're an entrepreneur like I am, it feels like myself time, it really does. But I have to work on No, there's this time you need to do some stretching, there's this time, you need to just like go and breathe. There's this time that you need to let yourself have lunch, even if it's 15-20 minutes, you need to let yourself take a break, maybe call a friend, maybe have a lunch date over zoom or, you know, we would just hang out and you know, play a game or just relax. Just be in prayer. Whatever it is having that is important. It helps your mind just slow down and relax, and get creative and quiet and recuperate. fill back up. So that's essential, it's essential for you to do for you, for you to do for them.
And then you also plan that "we" time. And we'll talk about that a little bit more as far as keeping date nights. But even if it's not an official date, we time, where is it that you're spending time each evening. And if it can't be each evening, maybe you guys, you know, are in separate places, or you have jobs that make you travel or you're just super busy, then you're setting it in the week. They don't have to be official dates. It's our "we" time, it's our together time. I have a couple and they call it laydowns. And it's just like they just say, You know what, let's take 10 minutes and just lay down and look into each other's eyes and talk about whatever comes up.
And it's just calming and peaceful and it connects them spiritually. It connects them physically. And this doesn't mean sex. Right? It can. But the goal is to really just say, Hey, I see you. I see you to just be. Yeah. Awesome. I love it.
So then what you're doing is you're taking a look and learning their love language. So this is step number four. And you might go What's love language, look up the five love languages. And there's actually an additional book called The Seven love languages. And the idea is we respond differently. So for example, just to give you a couple of them, some people love gifts, and they're just like,
Aw, you must love me you thought of me? Right? And some
people like when you do something for them, like oh, man, you wash the dishes. That's so cool. Right? And other people, they like when you say positive things, like oh my gosh, you look so beautiful. Or you did such a great job, or I'm so proud of you or, you know, just those positive reinforcements. And you'll find, right, you're not just one of them. But you'll find that there's usually a higher level and you can actually look up the website, The Five Love Languages, and there's a test you can take to see which ones hit. Now for me words of affirmation is my number one. Like and this doesn't have to just be my husband, right? Anyone who says something kind to me and says, You know what? This is really helping me. I'm just like, oh,
It really to me? No, I love you love.
It just it just works that way. Right? That's one of my love languages. And so your partner has them too. Now, my love language may not be the same as theirs. I love words of affirmation. My husband. He thinks he doesn't love them. I'm telling him, he thinks he doesn't love them. But when I say them, I see his energy. I see. I see this happen, right? But it doesn't impact him the same way as if I help him with dinner. Right? And I'm there on time. He's home at 450. And sometimes I'm not done with work until five or a little bit after, but he's just like, Oh, you're here. You're helping me. Your, your your quality time with me. Right? And so that just moves him and if I can get done sooner and start prepping dinner before he gets home it's even more like taking care. Right and that just makes him feel so good and so loved. And so I try I'm not always as thoughtful as he is but I try to go out of my way to help in particular ways even stuff like I'm not really good at at all. I'll still go out of my way to try to help him with because I know that his love language. It's not as much mine in the giving of it. You It's my love language in the receiving of it. So I have to be intentional in the giving of it like, here, let me help you do this thing or let me remember to get you a glass of water or, you know, like for some people being a hostess is their their thing. But for me, I have to think about it. I just didn't grow up that way. I was never hostess hostess to are catered to in that way, it was like, get your own kind of thing. Or I was never given water. So it wasn't like a constant thing. But now as I'm learning to drink water all the time, over the past couple of years, I'm reminding him to get his water and, you know, Would you like something to drink and, and that kind of thing. So it's just learning differently, and practicing differently and not being upset with yourself that that's not your thing. But learning how to help it to be your thing to help the relationship.
And it's not about turning yourself into something you're not because that's not what I'm saying. either. It's adding those things. It's like, here's a love card. And in this love card, I'm going to do this thing for you. So I'm not love card in it, right? I'm not being literal. I tend to think literal. So that's what I'm being clear. It's that doing that thing is that love card or saying that thing? Is that love card or practicing that practices that love card. Right. Okay. So hopefully, that's clear for you. And again, if you have any questions, let me know. And so then the next piece is that intimacy part I was talking about at the beginning, we have to become really aware and really mindful of being intimate with our partner, and not just sex, but including sex, we want to be able to keep them in mind. We want to keep in mind, what are their boundaries, what don't keep in mind, what are their emotions, you want to keep in mind? How do they function? How do they run, and as we're doing that for them, into them, right into you, I see. We're doing that for ourselves. And that's essential my friends. And I had to learn this from the hard way. I didn't like myself, I didn't like anything about myself. I mean, and I'm just being transparent. I thought I was ugly. I thought it was too short, I thought I was annoying. I thought I was too stressful. I thought I you know, wasn't fun at all.
And I had to really change that. I had to really get in touch with who I am. And the differences that I could make. And the fun that I was an all of these wonderful things that I didn't realize about myself to be true. And it didn't happen in a day. But because of the practicing and the learning and the experience and all the personal development, training and the education and the Bible studies and the relationships and everything that I've done over the last 20 years to almost 30 years, I'm able to share with you. So it doesn't have to be 30 years for you. I mean, I'm 45. So it was still during the young years, but I didn't know how to implement crap then. Because I didn't have any tools. I just, you know, it was more like let's get through and survive this. But once I started to learn in my teenage years, once I got into foster care, and been able to learn from people and tap resources, that's when I, I began to bloom. And I began to learn and I began to absorb. And I absorbed with the mindset of this is how I want to treat people. I always wanted to know how to treat people differently. Growing up with my mom, it was more like I won't do that. But I didn't know how to do otherwise.
And so as I was starting to grow, I was starting to implement the same ways. Because I didn't know how to do it different than when I learned how to do a different it was such a reprieve oh my gosh, I went from hating my siblings to knowing how to love them. I went from hating myself to knowing how to love myself. Now with my siblings, it happened fast with myself, because I'm on the inside looking out, it took decades. And it doesn't have to take you decades, right. And you don't have to do it alone. I thought I had to do it alone. Most of the time, although I did have coaches and I did have personal development trainings. And, you know, I didn't understand how, you know, having coaches, when I was younger, that kind of thing. I didn't even know anything about it. And a lot of people are so unaffordable that it just was out of my reach.
But I've been able to work with people and trade with people and that's why I also try to keep my prices as affordable as possible. Because I want people to be able to go, oh, I don't have to do it alone. Okay, how do I do it? And then we learn together how to do it step by step. There's formulas. I've created various step by step formulas that you can follow and make it duplicatable, and you take them into your life. And to practice this, if I'm looking into me, what does that look like? So number one, imagine that you have a child. That is your number one, and you're like, wait, what does that mean? Well, if you had a child or pet, right, and I know they're not the same thing, but it's that loving and that nurture anything that they depend on you, they can't do anything without you, they'll die without you. They can't eat without you. They can't sleep without you. They can't bathe without you. They can't take care of their bodies without you, they can't do anything. You're there to help them. Well, guess what? Your body can't do anything without your brain. It functions because of you. Your Spirit thrives because you pour into it.
Because you connect to that love that piece that fills you up. That acceptance that oh, yeah, I am a creation. Oh, yeah, I can create. So as you do that you are pouring into you, into me, I see and love and connected. Now, there's a lot of more detail in each of these steps. But this is a really good review. Do you can still practice the steps in your relationship currently? Or the relationship you want to get into? As well as the relationship with you? Got it. Okay, good. Let me know if you have any questions, because that's really important. There is no stupid question. except the one that you choose not to ask. You choose not to ask it. Now you can't get the answer. And so that leaves it staying an unanswered question. Not that it's a stupid question. You know what I mean? So it's important that you will allow yourself to go through that practice and go through those steps and go through that, that creates that into me, I see. It creates that intimacy that you so deserve, and you show are worthy. And you so need to have. Yeah.
All right, COVID. So then, what you're able to see is the next piece is when you're in a relationship, and you would think this is common sense. But don't judge yourself, because it's not that common. If in your life, you were growing up, and everyone assumed what you thought and what you felt, or didn't even care about what you thought or what you felt. And maybe it wasn't done in a mean way. But some parents who were very authoritative, are just like, you're going to do what I say. And that's what's best for you. And no, we're not talking about it. Right? Or maybe they weren't available because they were working. Or maybe they were just like, hey, it's your life, do whatever you want. It's great. You know, parents try to do the best that they can, but they may not see where they might be missing, right? What's the steps I'm missing? Or what's the support? I'm missing? They don't know. There's no, hey, how do I do this? Right? There's lots of parenting books. But sometimes it's overwhelming. And it's too much, or parents don't even know. And honestly, that information didn't really come out on the 70s. And it wasn't even really practiced until like the 90s. And you know, we're in the 2000s.
Now, and it seems like it's been a super long time. But when your life is so busy with living, you may not catch oh, gosh, I could have been doing that. Or there's some people who don't even have the best learning skills, that they're like I heard it, but I don't understand it. So it's important that we understand that our parents were just doing life, that they weren't saying, Hey, how can I hurt this person? How do I hurt this kid make their life miserable. Now, that gives us space to be empathetic and understand. But it's still essential that we're also transparent and say, Oh, I get that they didn't mean to do that. But I get that they did do that. And this was the result for me. And we can own that without saying our parents are terrible or bad or wrong. Or any of those things, we can own it and go, I get where they made those mistakes. And so I'm going to learn from them, I'm going to own that they made those mistakes, and not blame them for those mistakes. So I can go, Oh, that was the mistake there.
They could have done this. That was that mistake there. They could have done that. That was that mistake there. They could have done this. Okay, so now I know what they could have done. And those are the things I want to do. Haha. It helps you to see to be able to acknowledge and then when you go back to talk to your parents, it's not like you did history. It's more like, you know what, I really get what you were doing there. And I get what all of this was about. But I want you to know that when there was this going on, oh my gosh, that hurts so much. And because of that, I believe this and because and then you own your part, because I believed that. I did this. And I thought this. So it could be I judged you. I criticized you. I thought you were a terrible person.
I thought you were a terrible parent. I thought you were trying to hurt me like on your responsibility in what was going on to and you create a better relationship ha revive relationships. This isn't just about your partner. This is about the relationship with you. This is about relating with people, and it helps in every relationship. It's just in your relationship with your partner now, you're also bringing in that deeper intimacy. Right? They live with you, they know you, you know them, or they may not live with you yet, but you guys talk to each other on a daily basis, you share your dreams, you share your goals, you share movies together, you share ideas together. So you guys are living so many of the same things. You can say something and the other group goes, Oh, yeah, and no one else has a clue.
So there's a different intimacy. And it's just beautiful, when you let yourselves work on it. And yes, everything you do is work. So if you allow yourself to realize your relationship as work, but it's not bad work, it's working at you. Like a beautiful garden, like, Ooh, I like to help this beautiful thing grow. And so nurturing it and loving it and putting the soil and putting the water covering it up, if it's too cold, like I love that work. And that's how your relationship is. So allow yourself to go through those things. And the very last one. And this is also part of that piece of learning the love language, is stick to dates, stick to date nights, stick to date times stick to that together time. And it may shift and change, right? My husband and I had Wednesday nights, and we had Friday nights. And then Then he began to be able to work out again, because his back wasn't hurting me. He had this amazing miracle experience. And so he was like, I can work out to the level I was before this is so cool. And so now it's every third day that he has off. And so we kind of track it sometimes not because everything just gets so busy. And then he gets thrown off. But we just keep taking that time. And so if it's an hour a night, it's a half an hour a night, if one night, we have to skip because something something, but we know we're gonna keep planning those times, and even plan for sex, right?
If it's if your life is so busy, and you've got kids or you're just like oh my gosh, going in different directions. And both of you are exhausted plan for the times that you can physically be together. And that allows you to stay into MIT. Right? And it's not just about that physical connection. It's about as you're connecting. It's like high kind of like those lay downs I was mentioning before, it's like, Hey, I see, you see me. And you might have to get comfortable. And honestly, again, I'm always in transparency, I have to practice being comfortable talking about what my needs and wants are sexually, right. And so you might have to get comfortable and practice. And that's okay. And guys, that's why I do this work. Just to remind you, I do this work, because I've been through this work over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. And over in my lifetime. I've learned this work the hard way. And let me tell you, there was lots of pain involved. But pain is not bad. Right?
Pain, just like in birth helps you to know you gotta push you got to push through. So pain isn't bad. It's there to say, hey, something needs to happen. It gets you uncomfortable to help you push through. Yeah. All right. So I'm getting some messages from some of you guys. And big hearts to you guys. And I and I thank you for letting me know that you're appreciating my posts and that you're appreciating these lives. Please let me know that is my love language. It does help me to know this is I'm on the right track. And I'm helping you in the right ways. Please do connect with me Friday 1230. You'll see it on my post, I'm posting a countdown every day. So you click on that link and get registered. And just to summarize, guys, you want to make sure that you step back, and you see what's needed, see what's going on. Remember, remember that you chose your partner, remember why. And remember, if you're if you're not with your partner yet, look at that the red flag green flag activity that I mentioned, if you're just jumping on and you missed that part, go back and look at it. See what you can do to be able to go this is who my partner is going to be a rare, right and just let yourself be turned on, turn that stuff back on. Turn on that awareness of what it is that you want, right? It's like your shopping. And that may sound funny, but when you go to the store, you don't just throw anything in your cart. It works the same way when you're picking your relationship.
But maybe you have been taught that you just accept what you get. You accept who likes you, and that's it. Or you just accept what you feel like you're drawn to because that's how you've measured it. But maybe you're drawn to the wrong thing. Maybe you're drawn to what's what's unhealthy for you. And it doesn't mean that you're bad or wrong. It just means Hey, there's some pattern going on that I haven't been aware of. But I can see that it's leading me down the wrong path. And so this map, broken this map, not working this map, done with it, burn that sucker and so sure During the work that you create that new path, maintain your mealtime, maintain their me time, maintain that we time. Allow yourself to learn what your love languages, learn what their love languages and begin to practice speaking it and begin asking for to be spoken back to you. It's important like I just shared with you guys tell me how things are going because that's my love language.
Yeah, doesn't have to be odd. It's just supportive. I know what I need to know if it's what's helping you guys. Right, you will then know what your partner needs to know how to keep moving forward. And that works even in the very first date, to be able to see is this a good fit or not? To build that build that connected that you're going to be looking into them into you I see. And into me, I see two steps of intimacy. And so practicing those is essential. And knowing you don't have to do it all by yourself. Know that that's so so important. Number one, if that's all you get out of this, you do not have to do it alone. We're not built to do stuff alone, you didn't eat right by yourself. You didn't learn to walk by yourself, you didn't learn to talk by yourself. All of these basics, you didn't learn how to get up and do what you needed to do by yourself. You were too little you had to be held, your little head had to be held. You didn't know what your eyes and your face were or you tried to scratch them off. You Didn't Know You stepped on your toes because you thought they were something to put in your mouth. You learn from others. That's how we learn. You learn from others books, you learn from others posts, you learn from others, even if you're okay, I could do it myself. I can learn from a book, it's still someone else.
And others are learning from you too. So let yourself learn and grow. Let yourself thrive as fast as you can. Why not? And you have so much of the information. And you're probably saying I know this stuff, but I just can't seem to get unstuck. Well let this work help you get unstuck. You do not have to be there anymore. Remind yourself I'm done with that, and jump into this work. Meet me Friday at 1230. And let's get this work into way more detail. Ask don't assume and keep time for date nights. That's so essential. Ask a person What do you need? When I do this? Do you like that? When I wear this, what do you think? So then you can wear it more often. Or maybe you can wear it less. But you can still wear it for you because you like. So allow yourself to go through these steps. Let me know what you're thinking. Let me know what you're feeling. Let me know what it's having you imagine, let me know what your red flags look like. Let me know what your green flags look like and live into those green flags and learn. There's things that need to happen to help clean out those red flags. Red flags are bad. They can be bad if you leave them there. They can be made, they can take a person's Life.
They can create so much stress and so much anxiety and fill your life with unhealthiness if those red flags are not maintained, and so you get to allow yourself to realize I'm not alone, I can do this. And I'm creating relationships even before I have my partner. And when I have my partner, I'm creating the best relationship because I'm doing the work. And I'm not afraid to do the work. And I'm showing it even if my partner isn't involved because as I'm doing it your partner shifts and changes. It just happens. So yes, you can attend Friday, just by yourself. Whether you're in a relationship or not. Because my dears you are in a relationship with you. And you need that love you need that care. You need that connection. More than me. I appreciate you. I love you. Bring it in big squishy hugs. Ah, wonderful. You guys take care of you know that you're loved. And I'll meet you Friday. So you can be reviving your relationship because it deserves it. Relationship into here. The relationship out there.
All right, you take care of you and Ciao for now.
Consider Yourself Hugged.
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